


Between Sixty to A Hundred

by 127ghouls



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, M/M, Panic Attacks, References to Depression, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-06-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:13:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 25,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24858190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/127ghouls/pseuds/127ghouls
Summary: Taeyong gets a new heart - a new human heart and struggles as his past persistently haunts him. He swears to forget everything involved in his previous life as a half android, including Jaehyun.But will Jaehyun let him?Sequel to(Zero) Beats Per Minute
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Lee Taeyong
Comments: 6
Kudos: 71
Collections: WorthAKingsRansom





	Between Sixty to A Hundred

**Author's Note:**

> Please read the first story before starting this.
>
>> For July_aki13 on Twitter ♡ 

_“Why are you not coming out of your room?” Ten jumped on Taeyong’s bed and rested his chin on the other’s shoulder to peek at the open book on Taeyong’s lap. “Greek mythology?”_

_“Yes, it’s interesting.”_

_“May I read it?”_

_Taeyong handed the book to his friend and Ten didn’t forget to say his thanks (he was educated about manners as well) before flipping through its pages. The robot’s eyes skimmed through paragraphs and images of gods and goddesses, their adventures and misfortunes._

_“She’s beautiful,” Ten mumbled as a finger caressed the picture of a goddess. “I like her long hair and sharp facial features. Oh,” he said, eyes darting over a text. “The goddess of love?”_

_Taeyong hummed in confirmation and watched the way Ten’s expression changed from confusion to awe. “That’s Aphrodite.”_

_The robot’s nodded slowly, and then his face contorted to a slight frown as he looked up at Taeyong. “Her name is pronounced like that? Why isn’t it spelled as A-F-R-O-D-A-I-T-I instead?”_

_Taeyong chuckled and nudged Ten’s side. “It’s complicated. Besides, isn’t it cool? The name’s pretty, just like her.”_

_Ten shrugged before starting to read about the goddess, his brows furrowed the more information he took in. “If she’s the goddess of love, she’s supposed to be powerful enough to end their war, right? She should’ve casted a spell for everyone to just…love. That’s easy.”_

_“It’s not that easy. Hatred prevailed because of greed for power. Once you get a taste of power, it’s hard to get out of that privilege – the privilege of controlling everything in the palm of your hands. Think about it, Ten.” Taeyong sighed. “All things will happen in accordance to your liking. Would you sacrifice it for something as shallow as love?”_

_It didn’t take Ten a second to answer firmly. “Love isn’t shallow. It’s powerful too.”_

_“How can you say so?”_

_Ten closed the book and gave it back to the human. “It allowed you to see me as your equal. You love me, don’t you?”_

_And Taeyong didn’t need any time to think as he answered with finality. “Yes, yes I do.”_

***

It should’ve been his last memory alive. It should’ve been the last to stay in his mind, the last reminder of a tragic fate. But here he is, conscious and with a lot of questions swirling in his head.

Taeyong is awake but his eyes remain close. He tries to sense presence around him, people that might notice he’s no longer asleep. No one comes to his aid yet. Assuming that he’s alone wherever he is, he finally opens his eyes to the greeting of the harsh fluorescent light. Everything follows: the omnipresent smell of antiseptic, the monotone beeping from the monitor displaying his vital signs, the feel of white sheets and the bland taste in his mouth.

This room doesn’t look like the place he was terminated in.

Right. He’s supposed to be dead. He gently pats his chest and feels the familiar texture of bandage beneath the hospital gown. Did they rescind the directive? Did he actually not die? But he felt it, the last of his life leaving the tips of his fingers. He _knew_ he died.

What the hell is happening?

As he pushes himself into a sitting position, groaning at the sudden pain emanating from his chest, the door opens and in comes a flurry of people – doctors, nurses. Hurried voices fill the room and grate his ears, causing mild irritation. They force him to lie back down and since he hasn’t been getting proper nutrition, he doesn’t have the energy to fight. Taeyong lets them examine him, point a blinding light on his eyes, ask questions that don’t matter to him. What matters are his own questions, and no matter how many times he calls their attention, to explain to him what the fuck is going on, his own voice is unheard.

Apparently, he died. He really did, but for mere seconds before an available heart miraculously reaches them. Whoever died that day is a blessing in disguise, they said. But Taeyong can’t bring himself to be thankful. How could someone feel blessed from someone’s death? Is he supposed to pray and thank the heavens for killing another person just to save him? He’s not that cruel.

He’s been there once, and to accept a second heart is too much.

Taeyong bites back a bitter laugh. What else can he do? It’s here. The new heart is in him, and it fucking beats.

He was taken to a private hospital a day after the successful surgery. The hospital is free of androids and heavily protected by the military. All the AIs that used to work there were terminated right away. Never mind how innocent they were, never mind how useful they could be in times like this, when everyone is literally being gunned down and everything is bombed to dust. Never mind the productivity. They were all terminated in a blink of an eye. Just like what they did to him.

He doesn’t know what to make of the doctor that put a new heart in his body. Was he a killer or a savior? Was it all just a game to turn off one’s existence and then switch it back on? Was it that easy, as though changing one’s mind in a heartbeat?

He feels like a toy. He must be. His own flesh and blood experimented on him, so what did he expect from these strangers?

What are they gonna do to him now that he’s human once again?

Taeyong watches as a male nurse enters to put a tray of food on the bedside table. It looks tasteless. Nevertheless, he eats every spoonful of the soup that the nurse gently feeds him. Oh he’s very nice, alright. The nurse makes sure to ask how he feels, if he needs anything. He’s treating him humanely.

What would he do if he was still an illegal android, despite that the only thing that took the human in him being a damn motherboard? Life is unfair, truly.

These people wearing white flock to him every single day. They ask too many questions but don’t answer his. Maybe the answers do not matter now, because even if they fill him in on the things that transpired prior to his second life, it’s not like he wants to go back and find the people he left behind.

Everytime he thinks of them, he shudders, feels a violent tremor wrack his body, and then the people wearing white have to calm him down. It hurts. It hurts too much. He can’t think, he can’t breathe. His world spins and Taeyong struggles to clutch on to reality so he won’t slip into the abyss. The thought of them, the friends he made, gives him so much pain. It’s like his mind and body refuses to go back and remember.

It’s trauma, they said. He’s gone through extreme trauma from being experimented on to being terminated that his mind malfunctions and immerses him into more pain, ironically. Taeyong later learns he’s suffering from panic attacks. Cues relating to trauma can often be triggering and will send him to an uncontrollable spiral.

So he stops waiting for explanations. He stops thinking of what he went through and starts facing the days with nothing but dread. He has nowhere to go once he gets discharged. He has no one. Pretty sure his relatives are dead. Why did the damn doctor even revive him? What for?

Taeyong gulps and tugs the covers up to his shoulders, closing his eyes after hours of staring at the ceiling. He wants to sleep and never wake up. There’s nothing for him outside. It’s hopeless. This is not the life he imagined to have. He wasn’t destined to live and die in a hospital room, isolated.

_Please. I hope this new heart of mine isn’t perfect. I hope it’s sick. Let me die and have some peace, for once._

Of course, he won’t get that so easily. Peace isn’t handed out for free. Aside from the sleepless nights and bad dreams he frequently gets during the rare times he actually slumbers, the media is now interested in making money out of his story. They attempt to barge in his room, screaming questions and shoving cameras, being borderline stalkers that trample on his privacy because it’s their job. They don’t give a shit about his well-being. They don’t care if he’s traumatized, if he’s passively suicidal, as long as they manage to snap a photo and put his words on papers. Whatever bullshit they say about incentives, all those bribery, he knows they’re lying. Humans are a bunch of liars.

Eventually, the police had to be summoned upon Taeyong’s request. He tells them he doesn’t have money to pay for their protection, but he only needs them to get rid of the media. It’s unbelievable how the hospital even allowed it in the first place considering the ongoing chaos. Thankfully, none of the hypocrites got his photo. The police try to extend more of their assistance, but Taeyong says he needs none of it. He tells them, vaguely threateningly, that he has nothing to give in return, and that they will regret delving into his background should they decide to investigate about his relationship to his father. They fear the existence of more half androids, and since he was one, more people are becoming interested in knowing too much about him.

The only promise he makes is that he’s likely the only one that ever had a machine as a part of him. In return, they have to leave him alone. It’s a simple bargain that he’s granted after some assertion.

Apparently, in spite of the tragedy that graced the country, they still cannot allow patients to remain in the hospital if they cannot pay. Taeyong understands that piece of reality quite a bit. Money makes the world go ‘round. Moreover, he’s healing better than expected. It’s been over a month and they said he’s good to go.

Good to go where? Merciless idiots. The only remotely good thing about this is that the war with the machines is coming to an end. Almost. From what he hears from the talks in the hallway when he goes for a walk, it seems like the military finally has things under control. There are still attacks from time to time, but the mortality rate is dwindling. And every AI on sight is being terminated either on the spot or dismantled piece by piece in a lab.

Taeyong doesn’t care. He doesn’t want to think about it. He shouldn’t, if he doesn’t want to experience another crippling pain.

On the day of his discharge, Taeyong finally allows himself to laugh. He doesn’t even have anything to pack. The only clothing he has is the hospital gown. Who in their right mind would even wander outside wearing that, with nothing underneath? It’s so funny how he went from being rich and sheltered to having literally nothing. Not even a pair of decent clothes.

He must have been too occupied with realizing how much of a huge joke he is since he fails to hear someone entering the room. Taeyong is still heaving, bent over the bedside table when his nurse, the one that’s been caring for him since day 1, places a folded shirt and pants on the bed.

“I didn’t have time to shop for something new and it doesn’t sit well with me to lend you my underwear, so you have to make do with these.” The nurse, Myungsoo, leans against the wall with his arms crossed, obviously amused. “It’s not like anyone’s going to cop a feel.”

“Piss off,” his laughter finally dies down to a small smile. In the middle of pandemonium and self-hatred, Myungsoo is the one good thing that remains. He’s nice and patient, and he’s the only one that never pried into Taeyong’s business. “These are yours?” Taeyong reaches for the clothes and checks them. They look like they’d fit well.

“Who else’s? I have a lot of spare.” Myungsoo walks over and pushes the pants to Taeyong’s hands. “Get dressed and we’ll go.”

“Alright, geez. I don’t need to rush –” Taeyong’s about to go to the bathroom when he realizes what the nurse just said. His head whips back, face marred with a confused frown. “Did you say _we_?”

Myungsoo sighs and cups the back of his neck. His eyes stray somewhere else for a moment as he fishes for the right words to say. If Taeyong didn’t know better, he’d think that the nurse was embarrassed. “I know you don’t have a place to go, so I figured you could stay with me.”

Taeyong’s brow raises as he faces the other properly, clutching the clothes to his chest. He’s careful not to press down too much. “Is your place safe? And isn’t that…prohibited?”

“Front liners stay in this specific village and soldiers are literally everywhere.” Somehow, Taeyong’s lack of repulsion to the idea takes away Myungsoo’s jitters. He’s not sure why he’s even antsy. “What they don’t know won’t hurt them.”

Seconds pass by with the two just staring into each other, until Taeyong nods with an unreadable face and turns on his heel, heading for the bathroom.

“Thank you, hyung.”

Myungsoo’s smile becomes more relaxed as the door closes.

***

_The night was still young, Jaehyun thought. The moon illuminated the outside, adding to the few lamps that surrounded the area. He was glad. It would be hard for the soldiers to guard and spot an incoming machine if it was not bright enough._

_He couldn’t sleep so he decided that walking would help ease his mind. He missed the sleepless nights with Taeyong and how they talked about anything under the sun. Mostly about androids, though. Since Jaehyun was interested in it and Taeyong only indulged him. He wondered what he could do to kill time, now that Taeyong wasn’t coming back to him anytime soon. Jaehyun tried fooling himself earlier, maybe this was all just a dream and he’d wake up later in the middle of class with his professor spewing biological stuff his sleep-addled mind couldn’t absorb. Then he’d go home and eat ramen while watching movies until the wee hours of the night – that is, if he had spare time._

_He knew it was futile, but there was no harm in trying. He just wanted to forget the pain prickling him like a thousand needles._

_Stopping by a room, he noticed that it was unlocked. It hadn’t been left for long, he thought. After checking both ends of the hallway, realizing he’d come so far and he was probably already lost, Jaehyun decided there was nothing worse that could happen if he snooped around for a bit._

_The room was cold when he entered. Hating how dark it was, he reached for the switch on the wall and turned the lights on, immediately noticing a glass box perched slant on a ledge, with L. Taeyong engraved on a small, gold plate._

_A motherboard rested inside, cushioned for protection. Jaehyun allowed his fingers to caress the glass and his heart beat rapidly, agonizingly, because this was Taeyong’s heart, and he was there almost touching something that belonged to the boy he badly wanted to see again, but never would._

_“So this is why you said you weren’t fit for romance.”_

_Jaehyun’s hand lingered on the glass box as he choked on a sob, all of the pain bottled inside now bursting in waves._

_“I wish you just told me. I could’ve loved for the both of us.”_

When the sun rises and a soldier finds him, Jaehyun’s eyes are red and swollen. There’s no energy, nor will to live left in him. Forcing him out of the room is hard work, because he refuses to leave the motherboard. His heart squeezes itself in sorrow, but he has no more tears left to cry. His eyes may even be dry by now and all the tears have turned to dust. It doesn’t even hurt when the soldier literally kicks him out because all the pain is in his chest anyway, and it lingers there, deep seated like it’s never going away.

They pay him no mind as he weeps in the corridor, the back of his head hitting the wall as he cries his heart out. His tears are absent, but his eyes speak for them. His torturous wails fill the hall. Jaehyun repeatedly calls for Taeyong’s name yet no one answers. Taeyong’s voice rings in his head like it wants him to hold on to it. Jaehyun wants to. Who knew he’d hurt so much like this? No one, not even him. Because even though Taeyong basically rejected him, he still remained important to Jaehyun.

Taeyong was the one good thing in this god-forsaken world. Taeyong was the one good thing that Jaehyun unconsciously held on to as a life support, the one good thing Jaehyun promised to himself to keep once all of this is over. Never mind that he’s alone, never mind that he might not get his degree, never mind that things might not be able to piece themselves back together again. Taeyong became everything he treasured in the span of time they were by each other’s side.

But Taeyong is gone, along with all of his hopes.

A day later, they watch from the main entrance as a helicopter comes and goes. They are informed that patients who are in critical condition are transferred to a hospital, one that is safe and heavily guarded. Those that remain in the camp will stay there for the meantime until the government finds them a proper place to stay. Some officials drop by to solidify that promise, telling them that aside from permanent residence, they will be given financial aid to start over.

This pacifies majority of them. Jaehyun looks away from the government official speaking in front to look aimlessly at the nearby window. It’s hot – the sun is high up in the middle of the day. The official drones on and on in the background, his words dying in Jaehyun’s deaf ears. Is there anything more to say? When the war is over, they will build enough houses for the unfortunate. They will give them ample money to use until they can stand on their own again. That’s it. That’s all. Jaehyun needs nothing more to hear.

“Jaehyun,” Yuta taps his shoulder and whispers. “You wanna share a place with me?”

Jaehyun looks at his friend and briefly considers the idea. “Why?”

Yuta shrugs. “I don’t know. It sucks to just part ways after everything we went through, right? The kids will probably be sent to a shelter, and I just thought you shouldn’t be alone.” He murmurs the last part, lips pursed in uncertainty. “We lost –”

“Alright,” Jaehyun cuts him off, not wanting to hear what he knows Yuta would say. He gives the other a small smile before looking down to mindlessly scribble patterns on the floor. Anyone who will look at him will see an empty vessel of what used to be a bright person. “That would be nice.”

Days go by uneventfully. Sometimes they get woken up by the ground shaking due to explosions. Most of the time, Jaehyun doesn’t even get proper sleep. He’s always restless, and when he does sleep, he’s plagued by scarce memories of Taeyong. He doesn’t get angry for it. Rather, he’s glad that his mind never lets him have peace. Jaehyun, still hung up on his recent loss, willingly embraces grief. He’s scared that if he moves on, he would forget Taeyong. He’s scared that he wouldn’t remember how Taeyong looked like, sounded like, felt like. So he grieves each day, sometimes with the others, sometimes by himself.

Over a month passes by just like that. The bombings and shootings happen less and less. They are told that the government can finally subdue the killer machines. Fearing for their life is replaced with fearing for what the future holds. They know how progressive and resilient the country is, but despite that, they won’t be spared from the struggle to become what they used to be, to go back to the lifestyle they once had.

Several more months of staying in the camp, waking up at 5 in the morning to help in cooking, cleaning and washing, sleeping at 10 in the evening, and then they’re free. When trucks start picking them up to be sent to the houses arranged by the government, it feels surreal, like it’s not actually happening. It was nearly a year ago when the conflict between humans and machines began and their current set-up has been their life for a while, that suddenly being free from the camp, suddenly going out to a harmless world feels strange. They said that the remaining AIs are now just a few. Most were already terminated.

Jaehyun wonders what happened to the others that haven’t been killed. He wonders what happened to those androids that have nothing to do with the war. Were they shut down, were they spared? This thought occupies him until the truck arrives where the newly built houses stand. They people from the camp are not the only ones that need a roof on their heads, so there’s not enough vacancy in that area.

“Listen up,” a soldier, the one whose name patch says KIM J.I grunts as he gathers everybody’s attention. “We’re going by the list given to us by the government. Since there isn’t much space left here, those who won’t be called will be sent to another area. It’s up to you if you want to cramp up then we’ll just have to update the higher-ups. The children are going to be in one shelter, of course.”

Jaehyun’s icy glare doesn’t leave the soldier as the latter begins calling names. And until he and Yuta are called, he walks past the soldier with eyes that could kill. He won’t forget that bastard. That was the guy that had Taeyong pinned roughly on the ground, looking like he had fun catching an android.

“Watch how you’re looking at me, kid,” the soldier scowls back at him.

The only reason Jaehyun drops the glare is because he has to bid farewell to the others. Like he and Yuta, some of them also decided to stay together. Yuta tried to recruit more to stay with them, but even though they became a small family, they had their own choices. Junmyeon leaves the two of them a whole lot of reminders. Minseok, like the taciturn that he is only offers them a smile. Johnny and Doyoung are called next, happy to be in the same area. The four of them wave the kids goodbye.

Another soldier leads them to where they will stay. The house is nothing grand. It looks more like a box. There is only one floor and one bedroom, a small living room that shares space with the kitchen, and a simple bathroom. It’s good enough as a start. They figured that there is so much to be built anyway, and they don’t need a huge house.

Yuta fills up some forms quickly and gives them to a soldier. He then quickly locks the door and sits down on the floor – there isn’t even a chair, just a carpet and a small table, and the necessary kitchenware. They hope there are decent sleeping mats and pillows. “So, what should we do now?”

“I don’t know… Didn’t they say they’d give us money?”

“Yeah, I think that’s what those forms are for. But you know, I really think the androids will be gone soon. Job hunting is going to be a pain in the ass.”

Jaehyun’s brows furrow as he looks around. There isn’t much to see, he just wants to keep himself busy. “What do you need a job for? They’re going to give us money.”

“Do you seriously think they’ll continue doing that? I’d say we’ll get money for half a year, max. Maybe not even that long. Maybe not even much. They’re giving us money to use to look for jobs or start whatever business we could do. Shit is limited for us, Jaehyun. We have to do whatever is available.”

“We have enough time to think about that.” The younger says softly and gets up to fetch a pillow and a blanket from the bedroom. There are only two sets – just right for the number of people living in each house. “I’ll sleep in here, you take the bedroom.”

“Don’t be silly! The room is big enough for both of us.” Yuta stands and walks inside the bedroom, nose scrunching. “Well, this house sure is empty.”

“It’s not like we need anything else,” Jaehyun drops the pillow on the carpet and lies down, hugging the blanket instead. “I’m not hungry, so cook for yourself if you are.” He turns on his side to face the wall before his eyes close. The ride was bumpy and dusty and long. He probably needs a shower but exhaustion is quick to seep in his bones, coupled with the anxiety of anticipating what’s to come on the next days.

Jaehyun falls asleep as Yuta works his way in the sorry excuse of a kitchen.

True enough, the money given by the government only lasts them a few months. Fortunately, Yuta has found a job at a nearby shelter for children, not the one where their young friends were brought, as an all-around helper. The pay isn’t much at first considering the country’s plummeting economy with the income mostly coming from donations. Later on, as more wealthy groups find out about their plight, bigger donations flow in at the same time the country is announced safe from the killer machines. They are now free to roam around without the shadows of the military men but a curfew is imposed when the evening comes – it will only be for a while until they are a hundred percent sure that no android will be lurking in the dark to attack humans.

Everyone seems to pick themselves up quite fine, including Jaehyun. Seeing that Yuta’s shouldering their expenses, Jaehyun insisted working as well but the former only told him to continue his studies. Since his former school is too far from where they are, Jaehyun seeks the continuation of his education in another institution. They managed to acquire his records and upon checking, he’s deemed good enough to receive a scholarship. With tuition finally out of the way, Jaehyun’s heart swells with ease.

He can’t afford to be a burden to his friend, though. So while studying, he hustles with taking up odd jobs ranging from simple food deliveries to tutoring every weekend. Juggling all of these takes up most of the time that should be poured into honing the nurse in him and in that case, he ends up sacrificing sleep. It’ll all be worth it in the end. He knows that. Once he graduates, he’s going to apply for internship at a hospital that pays well.

Unknowingly, his old dreams come back to him. Maybe it’s the realization that life doesn’t end at the loss of something or _someone_ important. Rather than wallowing in misery, Jaehyun sees his heartbreak as an inspiration to work hard so that he’ll be able to become the person that the people in need will rely on, and prevent somebody else from experiencing the anguish he felt. No one deserves to go through that. No one deserves to stay up at night, just looking for answers to a lot of _what ifs_ and dream about events that won’t happen again.

It is good that things are going back to normal, as normal as their new life can be. He buries himself in mountains of books and tests, eager to surpass his peers quickly that when two years go by, Jaehyun has almost forgotten the awful past.

But not _him._ Taeyong is anything _but_ awful. He remains in the recesses of Jaehyun’s mind, hanging on his heartstrings that keep him intact. It doesn’t hurt anymore; it stopped twisting his insides long ago but Taeyong remains with him. Jaehyun’s love remains.

It must suck to still be in love after all this time, as Yuta never fails to remind him, but Jaehyun cannot find the will to stop loving. When he thinks about getting that degree, he thinks about doing it for Taeyong as well, because that poor guy never had the chance to go to a normal school. When he thinks about caring for patients, he thinks about the time he watched over Taeyong after rescuing him from the river. When he thinks about joining the doctor in the surgery room, he thinks about how he could be of help if only Taeyong was alive – he’d be there to hand the right tool to the doctor as they replace the motherboard with a real, beating heart.

In everything he does everyday, Taeyong is a part of it. The possibility of him doing this for the rest of his life doesn’t worry Jaehyun. In fact, he’s accepted it. He’s not a romantic, but he knows he will never love someone else.

***

“Alright, let me check your temperature,” Jaehyun uncaps a thermometer and puts it in a patient’s mouth. The patient is a little girl, 9 years old. She was sent there yesterday due to a number of flu symptoms that may lead to an underlying condition. The hospital is buzzing with emergencies and the new batch of nurses that were deployed will be expected tomorrow, so Jaehyun has no choice but to extend his shift. “Your lab test results will come out later. When will your mommy arrive?”

The girl shrugs and points to the thermometer in her mouth. Jaehyun chuckles with a shake of his head before taking the thermometer from her as it beeps and jots down her temperature on a clipboard. “You’ll be fine waiting, right?”

“Mhm..”

“If you need something, just call the other nurses. There are a lot of us, although we tend to other patients as well. Speaking of that…” He checks his watch and bites back a groan. The next patient he has to check is the grouchy old man on the third floor who has a penchant for giving him a hard time. “I need to go now. Bye, Haera.”

The little girl gives him a small smile before lying down her bed and cuddling the lone plushie her mother left with her yesterday.

The ward is packed with other sick kids. Some of them have been here for a long time, going back and forth to the hospital courtesy of their weak immune systems. Jaehyun is always two seconds away from lecturing their parents about prioritizing their children’s health over work but who is he to act that way, when he can’t even take care of himself? Walk the talk, right?

He switches the clipboard for his next patient’s and heads straight to the third floor. As soon as the old man sees the stethoscope hanging around the nurse’s neck, Jaehyun is bombarded with nonsensical complaints about how interns aren’t reliable and they’re always messing up his results so that he’d stay longer in that goddamned hospital.

As Jaehyun follows the routine of listening to the old man’s heartbeat, checking for any indication of worsening ailments, he mentally whines about being paid dismally low for being treated this way.

This might be his worst shift yet. Thirteen hours later, after being puked on by a very sick patient, yelled at by a frantic doctor and blamed by frustrated parents, Jaehyun finally steps out of the lobby with a finger flipped in the sky.

“Fuck everything,” he says and pulls on the collar of his shirt. He’s got the soiled uniform in his bag and he needs to toss it in the washing machine later. Money is still tight with all the bills hitting him and Yuta left and right so he only has two scrub suits. As he tries to remember if they still have some detergent, Jaehyun rushes to the subway, passing by several scanners before successfully getting on the train.

When they had enough money to look for a place near the hospital Jaehyun interns at, the two upped and left. It was a hassle to rent an apartment. They had to do a thorough background check, hand in legal papers to see if they had anything to do with androids. Two years ago, word eventually got out about a half-machine, half-human. Nothing was proven, as it only sizzled like an unfounded gossip. The whole country didn’t get a confirmation to it, only those that stayed in the camp. And even then, they were strictly ordered to shut their mouths.

What could that fact even do, terrorize the country’s international relations? Jaehyun remembers thinking it was a dumb decision to force them into silence, but thinking about it now, it must be for the greater good. He’d loathe for people to see Taeyong as an abomination.

Before he continues his way home, Jaehyun makes a quick stop at a bakery. Knowing Yuta, that glutton didn’t leave some dinner for him again. Jaehyun opens the paper bag and takes a whiff of the fresh bread, chuckling to himself as his stomach growls in hunger. His last meal was breakfast. To find the chance to eat back at work is a rare luxury.

A soldier greets him politely as he enters the apartment complex. Security is tight even today. Wherever they go, they have to pass through a scanner. This was implemented when they caught two androids without barcodes. Their barcodes were erased, so the government thought they were illegal machines. The AIs had to be disassembled completely to refute the assumption.

“Let me guess,” Jaehyun says in lieu of a proper greeting as soon as he enters the apartment, chucking his shoes off to the side. “You left me two grains of rice.”

Yuta barks out a boisterous laugh. Some rice shoot out of his mouth, falling on the table. He’s never an advocate of cleanliness. “Don’t be like that, Jaehyun. I felt bad the last time you sobbed on me because there was nothing left.”

“I didn’t sob!” Jaehyun pads over to the dining table and puts down the paper bag, only to pull it out of Yuta’s reach with huge, threatening eyes. “Get your greedy hands off of my food. What did you make anyway and how much did you already eat? Why are you still hungry?”

The accusation makes Yuta feign a look of hurt as he rubs his chest. “Come on, kimchi isn’t anything special. We should probably feed the fridge now.” He quickly scoops the remaining rice in his bowl, pushing them in his awaiting mouth before leaving the used dishes in the sink. Yuta speaks in between chewing and his words come out garbled. “How’s work?”

Jaehyun brings his bread to the laundry area as he dumps his uniform in the washing machine and leaves it to get cleaned. When he comes back, he’s attacked with an indignant Yuta for not trusting him with the bread. “Stop that!” Swatting the other’s hand away from his face, the nurse sits on a stool and begins eating. “It was bad. Scratch it–horrible. I don’t wanna go back.”

He receives a snort. Yuta turns the chair around and sits astride with his arms on the backrest. “I guess that’s going to be the case for a long time. Should I stop asking you how’s your day, since you’re beginning to sound like a broken record.”

“Well, it’s fine. I did this to myself. I wanted this.” Jaehyun swallows his food and quickly picks up another. “Plus their smiles and thank you’s are rewarding after a grueling day.” Their eyes meet and Jaehyun grins. “So you should be a little more appreciative of your job.”

“Uh, jeez. Don’t even mention it. Customer service is shit as hell and it will never be fun.”

“It’s a lot better than your previous jobs.”

Yuta rolls his eyes and grunts out an agreement before getting up and clapping Jaehyun’s back. “Wash the dishes, will you? Be a good kid.” Jaehyun’s protest fall in deaf ears as Yuta plops himself on the couch to watch TV. It’s a news channel reporting about detained androids undergoing trials. Throughout the country’s efforts of recuperating and the cries of citizens that suffered major losses, the authorities’ misplaced sympathy prevails and decided to give the remaining machines a chance. The ones that didn’t partake in the war are jailed and will have to wait whether they’d be kept or terminated.

Hearing the news, Jaehyun’s mood instantly hits rock bottom. Anger flares within him. “They’re fucking stupid.”

Yuta looks at him. “Who is?”

“This country, everyone that thought it was fine to treat those androids as equals and had them enjoy the benefits of law.” The nurse loses his appetite and rolls up the paper bag, pushing it away as he glares at nothing in particular. His mind is clouded with so much cultured hatred and indignance. “They didn’t think twice in killing Taeyong, an actual human who just had a lone piece of metal lodged in him and now they’re giving these machines a chance? Why?” Jaehyun stands up and grabs a bottle of water from the fridge, closing it with a slam. He can’t seem to contain the fury. “Why couldn’t they have the same sympathy before?”

For some obvious reason, Jaehyun thinks water is not enough to cool his head off. He grabs a beer and tosses one to Yuta before sitting next to the latter, still glaring at the TV. “Look at them. Look at how those bastards are gently escorting those orange-wearing walking metals. What a far cry from how they manhandled Taeyong to the ground and dragged him like he killed their dogs.” Jaehyun soon upends the beer and hastily snatches Yuta’s, who only lets him do whatever he wants. “Orange is the new khaki, huh.”

Yuta sighs as he runs a hand through his hair, letting Jaehyun spit vitriol to the government. “You used to like AIs even when they had us scampering. Even when I told you about them murdering my sister.” The memory leaves a bitter tang in his mouth. “Humans are only going to react when they’re affected.”

Those words drench Jaehyun in ice cold guilt. His anger simmers down and he throws a cautious glance at the man on his left. “I’m sorry.”

“You’re ages late, but it’s okay. It’s in our nature anyway to only speak up when we’re inconvenienced. Doesn’t mean it’s right, though.” Yuta tilts his head at Jaehyun and smirks, playfully punching the latter’s arm. “Stop drinking. It won’t do you good to go to work inebriated.”

“I don’t have a shift tomorrow…” Jaehyun looks down, still feeling extremely guilty. He finishes Yuta’s beer and volunteers cleaning to make it up to his friend.

“Yutaaa?” Jaehyun steps out of the bathroom freshly showered, towel wrapped around his waist. He pulls out a fresh change of clothes from the drawer in their shared bedroom. “What are you doing?”

Yuta shouts a ‘snacking’ from the living room.

Jaehyun snorts. “Wanna go out? I’m going to buy a book.” Jaehyun finishes getting dressed and grabs his wallet, finding his friend indeed eating some chips while watching. The sight is such a sore to the eyes. “What the hell, do you have a hole in your stomach? Let’s get you tested.”

“You say it like it’s serious,” Yuta gives him a once over and frowns. “Where are you going?” Yet instead of a proper answer, he’s hauled up and the chips are stolen out of his grasp, warranting a scream.

“I said I’m going to buy a book.”

“Can’t you go without me?”

“If you come with me, I’ll treat you to a decent meal.” Jaehyun raises a brow at him. “How’s that?”

Yuta squints at him in suspicion before fixing himself, and then they’re off. “You’re still guilty, aren’t you?”

Shrugging, Jaehyun keeps his pace slow next to Yuta. “Maybe? Don’t ask me anymore. Just focus on the end of this trip, alright? Food is your call.”

“This can be hardly called a trip. The bookstore is just twenty minutes away.”

“Ah, shut it. Why do you always try to annoy me?”

“Am I annoying you, huh?” Yuta rubs a fist against Jaehyun’s head, grinning. “You’ve become a brat.”

“You like this brat.”

“Says who!”

They continue to bicker on the way to the bookstore, earning weird looks. It’s not all the time they see a couple of carefree people. Even after two years, most are still wary and no one can blame them.

Jaehyun gets lost in the haven of books as soon as they get to the store. He needs to buy the latest version of his old college book. When he was still studying, he only got by with photocopies and borrowed reading materials. He wants to have a better understanding now that he’s applying all that he learned. He trusts his own skills but it won’t hurt to keep himself on the ball. After all, the world is constantly changing and science is only digging deeper as days go by.

Yet, even though it’s the least of what he needs to learn, Jaehyun stops by a shelf of newly released books and picks up one from the romance section.

“Hey, you found that book?” Yuta stops next to him and groans when he sees what Jaehyun’s holding. “That’s a romance novel. You don’t need that for internship when you watch a woman give birth.”

“Can you let me live for like…uh, two hours, maybe?” Jaehyun runs his thumb over the embossed title on the front cover – ( _Zero) Beats Per Minute._ “The cover caught my eye. It’s dark overall, the text however is white but not glaring. It’s like it is trying to claw out of the darkness, or something like that. Doesn’t it give you the same impression? It helps that the letters are embossed, too.”

Yuta picks up a copy from the shelf and nods in approval. “I’m not sure if that’s what the maker of the cover, or the author wants to convey, but it’s effective. It makes people wanna pick it up. But this is not what we’re here for.” The book finds itself back next to its duplicates.

“I want to read about people falling in love too, you know. I’m sick of internal organs and drugs and whatnot.”

“Fine. Grab the book, pay up so we can eat. I’m hungry.”

Jaehyun flips the novel to read an excerpt, hoping to get a glimpse of what the story could be and his pulse quickens as he takes in word by word.

 _‘You’re like the northern star. I wish upon you in the dark for you’re my only source of light. You’re the burst of flavors in my mouth and the vibrancy of colors after the rain when the rainbow arches across the sky. You’re the heart I never had, beating and alive, full of life and adventures and dreams. You’re the kind of love I never knew I needed, nurturing and sweet. I wish I was capable to stay with you until your last heartbeat - yours, because I forgot when mine has stopped.’ –_ S.CC

He reads the excerpt twice, slowly each time to savor the emotions it brought him. Jaehyun’s hands tremble as they keep hold of the book, fingers digging on the covers. At the sight of a light dent on it, Jaehyun’s pulse races for a different reason – the bookstore clerk might see and reprimand him.

The nurse chuckles and shakes his head before putting the book back in the shelf. He’s aware that he’s not the only one that lost a ~~lover~~ friend to death and whoever that wrote this story just hit right where it hurts the most.

Not wanting to dwell on such a forlorn thought, Jaehyun grabs the actual thing that he needs and pays for it.

Soon, they exit the bookstore to find a restaurant. There’s not much still, the city’s back to how it was before, although business has been hard to pick up from where they left off. It’s peaceful, but still lacking.

Yuta walks ahead of him, rambling about whatever he wants to eat while Jaehyun scans the street. Gotta make sure his friend isn’t going to drag him somewhere out of his budget.

As he chances a look to the left, Jaehyun sees _someone_ that forces him to a stop. He hasn’t even processed it, nor realizes that he’s probably tripping but he wastes no time in crossing the road, barely dodging a car with Yuta shouting his name from the other side.

_“_ Taeyong!”

Jaehyun grabs the man’s shoulder and turns him around, only to face a stranger. _How could he dare to believe even for a second that Taeyong’s alive?_ He wears utter disappointment and sorrow like second skin.

The man removes his earphones and glances at the hand gripping his shoulder before taking a step back, and asks Jaehyun if he needs anything.

 _I need Taeyong to come back to me. “_ Uh, no. I’m sorry. I mistook you for someone else.”

The stranger simply nods and leaves just as Yuta grabs Jaehyun by the arm and glares at him.

“What’s gotten in your head?! You almost got hit!”

“I thought I saw Taeyong.” Jaehyun’s shaky voice is laced with barely concealed sadness.

Yuta’s grip loosens, face softening up at Jaehyun’s words. “Jaehyun…”

“I know. He’s gone. I just… It’s hard for me.” _And it will never be easy._

He gets a sympathetic pat on the shoulder before Yuta pulls him to the side, eagerly leading him back to look for a place to eat – a desperate move on trying to dispel the distressing atmosphere.

“It’s okay, Jaehyun. You’ll move on."

He will never.

“You know what,” Jaehyun says with a determined sigh. “I think I’m going to buy that damn novel.” He makes an abrupt turn and drags Yuta back to the bookstore.

The familiar rumble of a car’s engine momentarily takes Taeyong’s attention from the laptop. He takes out one of his earphones and plugs it back at the sound of the front door unlocking. Not a minute later, Myungsoo is taking up a space on his right on the sofa.

“Guess what.” Myungsoo puts the car keys on the center table as well as his phone, cursing under his breath as the wired earphones get tangled around his wrist for a second. He receives no response and shrugs, proceeding to talk knowing Taeyong can still hear him. “Okay, fine. Hey, do I look like anyone? Perhaps a celebrity?”

“Your face is nothing special.” Taeyong says monotonously, eyes glued to the monitor, fingers rapidly flying over the keyboard. 

“Phew, that’s so uncalled for. But seriously, do I look like anyone?”

With a grudging sigh, Taeyong looks at him with eyes so dull. “At first glance, we kinda look alike.”

Myungsoo nods slowly, watching the younger resume his task. “Really? Wait. That means you’re nothing special too.”

With the slightest look of irritation, Taeyong roughly pulls his earphones out, inwardly regretting it because the current song playing is one of his favorites. “What are we talking about? Can’t you see I’m busy?”

“Ah, nothing. Forget it.” The corners of Myungsoo’s mouth curl a little downward. Even after two years of being around Taeyong, he still cannot master the art of dealing with the cranky behavior. “Are you writing again?”

“What does it look like to you?” Taeyong makes a show of pressing the keys harder. “Yes, I am. Like how I usually do every single day. One would think that at this point, you’d already be tired of pointing out the obvious. A writer has to write. Otherwise, it’d be strange.”

As the younger talks with that flat tone, Myungsoo wonders how Taeyong used to be before he became the way he is now – cold, distant, and irritable. He was worse when he was confined in the hospital. Was he ever congenial? Myungsoo can’t help but think about it when the situation calls for it, because even though Taeyong seems to trust him enough to follow him, he never really opened up.

The sound of hard pressing of keys takes him out of trance.

“Writing keeps me grounded, hyung. It’d be surprising if you found me doing anything but this.”

“Understood,” Myungsoo loosens his tie and gets up to turn the living room light’s brightness up a notch. If Taeyong continues writing in the dark, he’s going to hate one more thing about himself. “That’s your dream. I’m actually kinda amazed at authors, you know. All of you have big brains. Like, how can you even come up with such complex plots and not repeat a single thing?”

“You’re a nurse. You should know how powerful the brain is.”

“Ahuh,” the older mindlessly says as he slouches on the couch, content with watching Taeyong in his element. “So what is it about?”

“Fantasy,” Taeyong impatiently presses on the delete key a few times before retyping a line. “All those folklores, mythological creatures incorporated to politics and human dynamics.”

“This is why I’m in the field of Science. There’s not an inch of creativity in me.”

The writer shoots a sidelong glance. “It shows.”

“What does that even mean?” Myungsoo retorts with a foot nudging Taeyong’s knee. “Can we really have a conversation while you’re writing?”

“I can multitask, but keep your voice down.”

Silence stretches between the two for a while until Myungsoo grows tired of watching those nice-looking hands go over the keys and that pretty face remain impassive. “Did you ever consider taking a break? Like…like going out. Explore the new world. I don’t know exactly if it’s new but well…changed, I guess. Instead of being cooped up–”

He flinches embarrassingly as Taeyong slams his hands on the keyboard, expression steely. Myungsoo sits properly and purses his lips as he tries to find the right words. “I’m just worried. You really don’t go anywhere aside from the clinic. I heard that travelling is good for writers…”

If looks could kills, the laptop would be broken beyond repair by now from Taeyong’s relentless glare. “I don’t see the need. Look,” Finally, his glare switches to the older. “What do you want from me?”

Myungsoo looks like a deer caught in the headlights. “Right now? Nothing! Nothing, really. _But…_ but I wanna point out the obvious that you just self-published your own book literally a week ago. And you’re already working on a new one. You’re also writing blogs which is your main source of income. I just think you could use a break or two. Or get some sun, at least.”

“No, I don’t need some sun. You know what I need?” Taeyong fixes the laptop’s position and holds up three fingers as he enumerates to Myungsoo. “I need to see my therapist tomorrow because it’s been over a year and I’m not getting any better despite seeing her twice a week, to get a new pill prescription because I don’t think what I’m taking right now works, and you to hop off my dick.”

The last point has Myungsoo gasping like a carp. “Oi, stop right there. You’re so vulgar. Is that what writing erotica does?”

“What about it?”

“I don’t know,” Myungsoo huffs and crosses his arms. “I think you should cut down on seeing your doctor if it’s not even working. And I’m not talking about the expenses–I’m talking about how constantly discussing what you _actually_ want to forget is counterproductive. I’m no psychologist, but you said so yourself that it doesn’t seem to work. I’m not sure how much of that is true, by the way. So…perhaps, you might wanna embrace it, the thing you want to badly forget, I mean. Frankly speaking, your past is a part of you.”

A more obvious emotion flashes across Taeyong’s face. Frustration. He resumes typing. “You know what remembering does to me. It literally sends me on the brink of death everytime. If I actually die from depression, anxiety and panic attacks, it’s gonna be my second – and for fuck’s sake, stop reviving me. You’re right, though. Ironically, in order to forget, I have to recall. That’s how it works.”

“That’s tough. So I can’t convince you to get some air and bask in the sunlight, is that it?” He rubs a hand down his face. Taeyong is capable of making his own decisions but some of those are sort of self-destructive, and Myungsoo only wants him to feel better. He can’t rely on therapy and pills forever.

Taeyong doesn’t say anything but it’s as good as confirmation.

Alright. It has just been concluded that they’re going to go round in circles with this. “Then let’s talk about something else.”

“You’re not yet done?” Taeyong puts the laptop away and pads off to the kitchen to take the slice of cake from the fridge, offering none to Myungsoo who’s already halfway in reaching for the fork. “You’re particularly pushy today.” He swats the older’s hand away.

“No and maybe. I wanna confirm the time of the book signing in case you changed your mind.”

“Two weeks from now, after lunch.” The strawberry cake melts sweetly in Taeyong’s mouth. “Please make sure there are no cameras.”

“Oh, now you’re being nice and saying please. Don’t worry about that. You know I’m the one organizing everything.”

“No cameras, hyung.”

Myungsoo scratches the back of his head. “I heard you the first time. But bear in mind that this is also the first time that your followers are gonna meet you and put a face on _S.CC_. One or two might get to snap a pic. Well, that’s just a picture. They don’t know anything past your pseudonym. We’ll make it quick – a short speech, sign ( _Zero) Beats Per Minute,_ and then we can all go home.”

Taeyong seems pacified if the way his shoulders relax is something to go by. Myungsoo softens.

“Don’t worry too much. Since when did I disappoint you anyway? Hey, we’ve been around each other since the first day I brought food in your hospital room. I think it’s about time you put more trust in me, how about that?”

“Thank you, hyung.”

Myungsoo smiles and is about to ruffle the younger’s hair.

“And hop off my dick.”

His hand hangs midair and curls into fist as he withdraws with a scowl. “So snarky. Fine, I’m gonna leave you alone now.” He stands and picks up the car keys, as well as his phone.

“But why are you here so early?”

Myungsoo mutters indistinctly as he untangles his cursed earphones, giving up with a petulant cry. “Huh? Ah, there are recently deployed nurses at the new hospital I’m working at starting tomorrow. Most of them are round the clock. I still gotta fix my schedule.” Suddenly feeling how tiring the day is, he pats Taeyong’s head and heads straight to his room. “Write well, Taeyong!”

Now that he’s got ahold of peace again, Taeyong finishes the cake and immediately goes back to writing. He rereads the same paragraph thrice until it dawns on him that he doesn’t know what to tell next. Damn Kim Myungsoo and his hobby of distracting Taeyong. The guy once said it’s to keep him away from the call of voices in his head but right now, he’s done everything but that. Taeyong can feel the telltale sign of losing touch of reality and pushes the laptop off of him, running to the fridge to get the ice bag ready for sudden attacks like this.

His weight falls on one of the chairs as he clutches the cold bag close to his chest. _His chest,_ all healed and perfectly working. On the first few months of healing, he’d been expecting it to fail. Those times were the hardest to live through because all he felt was a mix of confusion, anger and hopelessness. He didn’t want the new heart. This time, he couldn’t imagine not living and not being able to publish the novel. He still hates it with all of his being, but he knows when to give credit when it’s due. If only it was possible to be dead and still write, he’d choose that.

Taeyong slumps against the table and presses the ice bag harder against his chest as if doing it would stop him from panicking. This is all Myungsoo’s fault. Why did he have to drill into Taeyong’s head that he can never really forget the past? It forced him to remember _that._

“Stop thinking…”

He chants in whispers, not wanting to scare Myungsoo. The older has done so much, too much for him. The least Taeyong could do in return is to not be a burden more than he already is.

Eager to keep his mind where it’s at, Taeyong frantically opens the ice bag and scoops some ice cubes, and drops them to his feet. He needs to feel something so as not to drift into the abyss. His forehead touches the tabletop once again, eyes shut tight.

His breathing speeds up, shallow. His heart rate continuously picks up. Taeyong shoves the ice bag against his mouth and muffles a scream as a tear rolls down his cheek.

_Stop, leave me alone. I don’t want to remember anything. Leave me alone!_

“Jaehyun…”

Taeyong gets up and reaches for the cupboard, but just as he’s about to wrap his fingers around the bottle of pills, he loses his footing and hits the floor.

“Taeyong!”

He doesn’t know what happens next. The only thing in his mind is _his_ face, and Taeyong cries harder.

Why does _he_ have to remain in Taeyong’s mind after all this time, and live in his new heart? How did Jaehyun even find his way there? Even if Taeyong manages to get rid of thoughts of him, can he do the same to his heart?

Why does _he_ have to be a part of everything horrible Taeyong wants to erase from his life? Is this how things are going to be until the end?

The break room is easily Jaehyun’s place of zen. He’s just finished a four-hour shift and this 30-minute break feels as good as enjoying a day in the spa – not like he’s gone to a spa before. He’s so hungry that he finishes his packed lunch in less than ten minutes, and now he has nothing left to do but keep himself updated with the latest news. He’d hate to be out of the loop.

Jaehyun’s brows furrow the further he scrolls down the article he pulled up on his phone.

This news is nothing new. The rumors about the black market being interested in the trade of half androids have been going around for a while. It remains unfounded to this day, but the article also mentions the sudden appearance of corpses left in various areas of the city. The bodies, some already decaying and some freshly disposed, are missing organs. Most of the time their chests are nothing but gaping holes, and the hearts are missing. This allowed people to connect the dots, and suspect it to be related to the black market rumors.

They could also be unrelated. Jaehyun sure hopes so.

He locks his phone and pockets it before opening the novel. He brought it with him because he can’t stop reading. There’s something about it that prevents Jaehyun from putting it away, that he has done nothing but read since buying it.

It must be how he relates so deeply to one of the characters.

“Hi!”

Jaehyun looks at the newcomer sitting next to him and his eyes widen.

“…Hello?”

“You…” Jaehyun reluctantly puts down the book as he stares wide-eyed at the man. “You’re that stranger! Why are you here, why are you wearing a scrub suit…” He blinks in disbelief. Why is the man that he thought was Taeyong sitting in the break room of his workplace?

“Stranger? What are you–oh! You were the one that grabbed my shoulder!” Myungsoo says in recognition and proceeds to laugh at the playful coincidence.

Jaehyun takes a few deep breaths and fixes his hair. He must have looked a little dumb. “Are you one of the new nurses?”

“I’m new but I applied. This hospital pays better.”

That’s debatable, he wants to say but Jaehyun bites back the urge. “Is that so… I’m Jaehyun, an intern.”

Myungsoo tells his name and pulls out a lunch box from a small paper bag. “You just graduated? I’ve been in the scene for five years. It gets exhausting but I really don’t see myself doing something else. What about you? Is this your calling?”

The older nurse appears to be friendly, so Jaehyun allows himself to relax. “Yeah. About the other day, I’m sorry about that.”

“Ah, forget it.” Myungsoo picks up his chopsticks but don’t dig in. He looks at Jaehyun with amusement dancing in his eyes. “Do I really look like someone?”

Honestly, Jaehyun doesn’t want to dwell on it. So he just offers the other a smile and opens the book where a page is folded at the corner – he really should get a bookmark.

“Wow, you’re reading that? That’s a good book.”

“You’ve read it?”

“Yeah. Are you a fan of S.CC?”

“No,” Jaehyun’s brows furrow. Why can’t Myungsoo stop talking to him? He can’t multitask. “I just saw this book when I went to the store two days ago and it’s the first time I’ve heard of this writer. Are you?”

The older’s friendly smile turns a little smug. “I am. I’m not just a fan, though. I’m more than that.”

“What do you mean?”

Myungsoo taps the end of his chopsticks on the lid of the lunch box. “I know S.CC personally is what I mean. Are you liking the story so far?”

Jaehyun nods once and tries to read again. “It hits close to home.”

Myungsoo nudges his side gently. “Hey, if you like it, you should go to the book signing. S.CC just debuted, and when he gets popular, it’d feel amazing to be one of the first people to score his signature. You think so too, right?”

“You sound so sure that this S.CC person’s going to make it.”

“Of course he will. I’ll see to it.”

“I’ll think about it.” The younger nurse eyes the same paragraph he’s been trying to finish when a thought comes to mind. “Is S.CC a pseudonym?”

“Yeah. Are you curious about his real name?” Myungsoo’s gaze seems to be mischievous now. “I know you are. But pseudonyms are there for a reason.” He teasingly winks.

Jaehyun doesn’t appreciate it one bit. “Too bad, then. Are you not gonna eat?”

“Of course, I am. That’s why I’m in the break room. You’re funny, Jaehyun.” Myungsoo finally leaves him be and Jaehyun releases a soft sigh of relief.

But it’s him who breaks the silence later on as the gnawing feeling remains in his gut. “Have you heard the rumors? About…half androids hitting the black market.”

It’s only been several minutes since they properly met but Jaehyun already picks up on the change in Myungsoo’s demeanor. He looks guarded as he stops eating, for some reason.

“Those are just rumors. They never died down.”

“I hope it’s not true.”

“Same sentiments.” Myungsoo casts him a sidelong glance before eating. “I hate androids.”

Jaehyun isn’t sure why he feels an abrupt urge to counter that. “They’re pitiful. The illegal ones…if they actually exist.”

“Why would you pity an illegal android, Jaehyun? They’re unethical.”

The other speaks so flippantly that it irks Jaehyun. Does this Myungsoo not have an ounce of critical thinking ability? The half androids are innocent and Jaehyun knows it. “You make it sound like they’re so detestable, hyung.”

“Are androids not?” Myungsoo raises a brow at him as he opens a carton of juice.

“Not all of them. The half androids don’t deserve to be experimented on…”

Myungsoo regards the younger nurse with a piercing look. “What makes you think they didn’t ask for it?”

“What makes you think they did?”

A bubble of laughter spills out of Myungsoo’s lips before he could even stop it. He finishes half of the juice and waves at Jaehyun dismissively. “You’re so perceptive. I think we’re gonna get along.” He pats the younger’s shoulder and notes the way he retreats. “Nice to meet you again, Jaehyun. And just so you know, I don’t look like anyone. Not anyone you know, at least.”

Beads of sweat trickle down the doctor’s face and catch on the obscuring surgical mask. They slightly glisten against the light overhead that clears away any hint of darkness in the room to give way for the deft fingers performing a highly sensitive operation.

His gloved hands are covered in blood–they shouldn’t be covered in _that_ much blood, and accept a tool from the female assistant standing patiently across him. Between them, an unconscious patient’s chest gapes for the intrusion of a foreign object that would hopefully function properly.

Hopefully it would, because the previous patients failed to cope with the extremity of change in their bodies and it’s been raking unwanted attention.

The assistant wipes away the sweat threatening to fall in the open wound just as the motherboard is carefully slotted where a human heart should be. The doctor tries his best to attach the metal to the muscles and tissues but the blood overflows, because even after the numerous trials and clandestine research, he still cannot figure out how an android heart is supposed to work when put in a human body.

Panicking, fearing that the hours of operation would end futile once again, he quickly patches up the wound. He glances at the machines monitoring the patient’s state and just when he’s about to start stitching, that flat line noise fills the room.

The patient is dead.

Both of the doctor and his assistant stare at the flat line that seems to burn itself in their eyes before the former releases a bated breath. In their middle, the patient’s barely closed wound squirts more red. It’d be a bitch to clean it up.

“I believe in the concept of trial and error,” the doctor says, voice tethered with bitterness, “but this is the 10th trial and we’re still failing.”

“We can look for another body.” “It’s easy to grab a human but the androids…. I put my life on the line each time I receive a smuggled piece of them. Sooner or later, you’d have to do this by yourself with my own heart.”

His assistant watches the blood drip on the floor. “We already put our lives on the line the second we made a deal underground. Please start thinking you’re already dead, sir. At least, when you finally make a successful experiment, we could use the money for a grand funeral.”

Gravelly laughter resonates. “Such a clever mind and a blunt mouth you have. It’s a shame that we didn’t get ahold of the first illegal android before _it_ was given a new heart. Imagine the money we could’ve made. I wonder how it was done….the surgery... Who did it?” The doctor’s turns agitated. “Why can’t we do it? Why do these humans keep fucking dying on me?”

She huffs and tugs the white sheet over the pitiful corpse. “Even if we had the first illegal android, we wouldn’t be able to perform surgeries if we don’t know it was done. The goal is to make as many as we can. Don’t you think that we need to talk to that illegal android’s maker instead of dwelling on that _thing’_ s existence? But then again, Lee Taeyong’s father is dead.”

“But the former half android is alive.”

“What do we need him for?”

“I tried not to involve him, but this leaves us no choice. It’s either his father was a genius or there’s something in Lee Taeyong for him to carry a motherboard for a heart without a hitch. He’s done it once. He can do it again.”

Attending events is not his thing unless it’s going to contribute to his career, but Jaehyun finds himself wanting to know more about S.CC during the course of two weeks, before the book signing. He finds a blog filled with short, original stories posted intermittently. The genres vary from fiction to non-fiction, and he’s undeniably amazed because it looks like S.CC has only been running this blog for less than two years, and his productivity is off the charts. S.CC also has an incredible number of followers that either donate to his blog or pay him hefty for his craft.

He wonders about this person’s identity, what they do for a living before publishing the novel. They surely have a lot of time in their hands, seeing that they managed to produce a book on the side. No matter how persistent Jaehyun is in finding more personal information, the author is nothing but elusive.

So if he’s going to that book signing event, isn’t it only natural that he should know more about the author? Don’t they usually let people talk with the author for maybe, ten seconds? It would be painfully awkward if S.CC smiled at him and Jaehyun has nothing to say but hello and thank you.

Why is he even worried about it when he isn’t really a fan? S.CC can’t possibly expect every single one of them to be good conversationalists, right? What can one even say decently within ten seconds?

To begin with, Jaehyun doesn’t have to go. It only sounded interesting because Myungsoo implied that S.CC _will_ be huge someday and it’d be nice to brag about meeting _the_ next big thing to the fans that failed to go to the event.

Whatever, it’s not like he’s required to do all these. Maybe he won’t go, too. There are many things far more important than asking a person he barely knows for a signature.

Yet, after doing a mental monologue of how trivial this is, Jaehyun lingers on the blog and reads more. He’s nearly done with the novel, and he has to admit that he likes the way S.CC writes. Aside from that, the stories, specifically those that are romance-centric somehow fill the void in his heart. Jaehyun likes all of S.CC’s stories but the ones with sad plots are his favorite. They just hurt so good he wants more of them.

Would telling S.CC that he’s a masochist…be a good conversation starter?

The day of the book signing event arrives.

Taeyong stands by the doorway and peeks at where he’s going to sit, give a speech and interact with people. The small venue is slowly becoming packed with his followers who did their best to come, excited to finally see his face. Amongst the restless group are several ones who are obviously new, and discovered him through the published novel.

Copies of _(Zero) Beats Per Minute_ are piled on the left and right of the table should they want to get more. Taeyong steps away from the door and paces in the waiting room with clenched hands.

“Are you okay?” Myungsoo casts him a worried glance. “We can postpone this is if you want.”

The younger meets his gaze dead on, one hand now gripping the lapel of his cream blazer. He needs to feel something to stay grounded. “I’m already here. I just have to say something and sign a bunch. And we can go, like you said. I’ll be fine.” Truthfully, even he doesn’t believe that.

Myungsoo sees right through him but doesn’t push it.

He didn’t hire a professional team to organize the event because he’s a self-published author. Taeyong thinks he doesn’t need it. Myungsoo proved to be a great help with finding a place and making sure things go according to plan.

When he finally comes out to greet them, Taeyong regrets it. They openly declare their liking for his appearance. Myungsoo stays at the back as he gives a simple introduction, nothing fresh, really, reiterating that he’s to be called his pseudonym. Taeyong indulges questions about basic information like age, educational background, and family. He tells them he’s old enough to get drunk, that he was homeschooled, and that he’s alone.

“I already mentioned this on the blog, but I wrote the story because I wanna get rid of it.” He looks at the wall behind the crowd so he won’t have to stare at anyone. “It bugged me to no end. It was…a curse as much as it was rewarding to finally have it printed. That story was like a parasite to me. It ate at me, my mind, all of me. I wanted to get rid of it so bad that I wrote it and published it so it would stop living rent free in my head. You know, in order to make something go away, you have to give it your attention. It won’t leave you alone if you ignore it. So I dealt with it. I’m dealing with a lot of things just to banish them. Because they’re not good for me.”

Taeyong sighs and inwardly pleads for the time to tick quickly. “It must be your first time to hear an author say they don’t like their own book. Well, there’s always a first time. It’s okay, I guess. You’re all here to love it for me. You,” he looks at a girl on the front row who perks up, “you could love it for the both of us.”

Not wanting to drag this on for too long, he gives a simple closing remark and proceeds to signing. Taeyong engages them in an idle chat just to appear less of an asshole, so they won’t notice how his mind isn’t entirely there. Since the start of the event, he’s feeling something other than panic.

He feels like he’s being watched and it sounds so stupid because these people are indeed watching him, but his anxiety is telling him that there’s something different, that something bad is going to happen. Taeyong is cautious as he greets each person, trying to read their body language and catch anything suspicious. He ends up suspecting them all.

Behind him, Myungsoo diligently reminds the crowd to avoid taking photos. The older also takes it upon himself to fix their line like they’re school kids, because S.CC’s followers can’t contain their excitement. As he checks if anyone’s got a phone out, the front door of the venue opens and in comes someone he instantly recognizes.

“Damn, you’re late.”

Jaehyun offers an apologetic smile. “I slept through my alarm. It’s not really over yet, is it?” He tugs the straps of his bag and tries to look in front but people are blocking his view.

“Not yet. You missed his speech, is all. Is it your off or you’re on leave?”

“Off.”

“Convenient, huh. Look, I’ll go check on him. See you later?”

Jaehyun nods and watches Myungsoo go back to the front before taking the book out of his bag. He’s at the last chapter now, eager to know if the main characters are going to have a happy ending. While he reads, the line becomes shorter and shorter.

He’s too engrossed in the intense emotions that the main character is feeling, face almost buried on the book and doesn’t notice he’s up next. When he hears Myungsoo call his name, Jaehyun flinches and slams the book shut.

Taeyong sits paralyzed, fingers gripping the pen tight. His eyes roam up and down the man in front of him. Two years passed, and not once did it ever occur to him that their paths would cross again. Jaehyun, just like him, is frozen and staring in disbelief.

His heart painfully ricochets.

“…Taeyong?” The other’s name slips out of his mouth like a surreptitious whisper. Jaehyun’s mind is a complete mess. He can’t process a single thought, only knowing that whoever’s in front of him is not just a look alike anymore. It is Taeyong.

Taeyong _is_ alive.

He doesn’t know what to do next. Should he pull him in a hug, ask how he’s been? How does one act in such a situation? What’s the right thing to say to the person you thought was already dead? How did he live if they terminated him? Why didn’t Taeyong look for him? Why does Taeyong look _horrified_?

“Taeyong,” Jaehyun puts the book on the table and attempts to hold the other’s hand, to feel that he’s _really_ real, only for Taeyong to pull away as though he was caught on fire. It breaks Jaehyun’s heart to pieces.

Myungsoo frowns at the exchange and approaches Taeyong. “Hey, what’s happening? Jaehyun, you know him?”

“Out…” Taeyong manages to say through the start of a hyperventilation. His hand clutches the front of his shirt before he moves to reach for Myungsoo. “Get me out…”

“What’s going on?”

“Let’s go,” Myungsoo hauls him up and wraps an arm around his waist, worried that he’s going to collapse on him again. “Taeyong, stay with me.”

Jaehyun curses under his breath and chases them. Taeyong looks so scared. “Taeyong?!”

Myungsoo dismisses him as they walk out of the venue.

“No, stop! Where are you taking him?! Taeyong, look at me! Taeyong–”

Myungsoo quickly settles him in the car and gets behind the wheel, leaving Jaehyun in near hysterics as they head to the nearest hospital.

“What the hell…” Jaehyun clutches his hair as the car drives away, and quickly flags down a vacant taxi.

“Follow that car, please.”

The taxi gets stuck on red light so when Jaehyun is dropped off at the nearest hospital, he’s not sure if that’s where Taeyong is. Still, he rushes to the reception desk to confirm it, and is told to sit at the waiting area, where he finds a distraught Myungsoo.

“Hyung, is Taeyong alright?”

Myungsoo looks like he doesn’t expect Jaehyun to be there, and shakes his head. “I don’t know yet, we just–how do you exactly know him?”

“Is that important right now? What happened?”

“Panic attack,” Myungsoo huffs and crosses his arms, now more annoyed than distraught. “Who are you? He panicked when he saw you.”

Jaehyun quickly sits down and fidgets. How does he answer such question? “We…we met during the war. Fuck,” he groans and runs a hand through his hair, “this is all so confusing to me, okay?” He then tugs the other to a quieter area where no one can hear their conversation. “He was supposed to be dead.”

The subtle look of surprise and lack of incredulity are not what Jaehyun’s expecting to see from him. “So you know.”

The younger nurse drops Myungsoo’s wrist when he realizes he’s still holding it. Anger bubbles in his chest. “You do? You knew he was….that he was a half android? Then why the hell did you say those things to me in the break room? Fine–fucking forget it. He’s alive. _How?_ They said they were going to terminate him. I saw his heart, the motherboard, in a box with his name.”

Myungsoo rolling his eyes in irritation further annoys Jaehyun. “It’s not rocket science. He has a new heart. I heard he was given a human heart on the same day they took out the motherboard.”

It feels like Jaehyun was backhanded a few miles away. Did he just suffer for two whole years without a reason? “Fucking hell… Those fucking soldiers… No one told us. We grieved because we thought he was dead. God, if only I knew…”

“If you knew, what were you gonna do? Disturb him?”

Why would he be a disturbance to Taeyong? “Hyung, Taeyong and I are friends. What do you–”

“If you were friends, why didn’t he look for you? You saw the way he tried to get away from you. Jaehyun, your existence is a trigger to him. You gotta stay away.”

Those words act as the last straw for Jaehyun to give in to his anger. “What the hell? How am I a trigger? Who the hell are you to tell me that?”

Myungsoo licks his lips and looks at Jaehyun like he’s a child who cannot understand something so simple. “He’s traumatized, alright? Everything about the past haunts him and sends him into a destructive state. You understand that much, I know. You’re a part of the past he wants to forget, the past that hurts him until now. Put two and two together.”

“I don’t…” Jaehyun shakes his head. He can’t believe it. He just saw Taeyong again. This can’t be. “I can’t just stay away, hyung…”

“Why not?”

“I…” _Come on, say it. Tell him the truth._ “I missed him so much.”

Myungsoo’s impatient countenance becomes cold at Jaehyun’s confession. “Now, that’s not a good thing to say to me.” Before Jaehyun could react, he reaches for the younger’s shoulder, dusting it. “If you say that again about my _boyfriend,_ I’ll get jealous.” He feels a sick satisfaction at how pain is so palpably present in Jaehyun’s eyes. “I don’t wanna share. And know your place, Jaehyun. You stay in his past.”

Jaehyun takes a step back. The feeling of Myungsoo’s touch on his shoulder burns.

“The only one in his present is me.”

Yuta jumps in shock when the door bursts open and Jaehyun storms in furiously. “You good–”

“Taeyong is alive.” Jaehyun plops himself on the couch and ignores how the open bag of chips bounce from the impact, sending the content flying out.

“Are you on drugs?”

He takes the book out of his bag and tosses it on Yuta’s lap, effectively knocking off the bowl of cereal and ignoring Yuta’s cry. “This novel, he wrote it. He’s S.CC.”

Yuta goes on a tirade about Jaehyun mistreating him as he picks up every cereal that fell on the floor, and wipes the splash of milk on the book’s front cover. “Okay, so did you get to ask him what S.CC stands for?” At the sight of Jaehyun about to throw a punch, he puts both hands up in mock surrender. “Alright, chill. You’re about to commit murder and run away free.” He picks up the book and randomly opens a page, sending Jaehyun a suspicious glance. “You’re telling me Taeyong is alive and he wrote this. You’re not on drugs.”

“Yes, he’s alive and no, I’m not on drugs!”

They hold a staring contest for a few seconds until Yuta concedes. “…Well fuck, man. Here we thought he’d been pulverized but all this time he’s actually been writing some sappy shit. How? Why didn’t we know? Seriously?”

Jaehyun slides down the couch with the lower half of his body on the floor. The sight is almost funny, except that Yuta can tell his friend is really devastated. “This guy Myungsoo, he’s a new nurse at the hospital and he’s been taking care of him, I guess.” Merely saying the man’s name pricks Jaehyun’s heart with a thousand knives. “Said they gave Taeyong a human heart at the same day he was terminated _as_ an android. He didn’t look for us because apparently, he’s severely traumatized and wants nothing to do with us. He literally went into panic the second he saw me.”

It’s quiet between them for a moment as both cannot comprehend the revelation. Yuta mindlessly flips pages of the book just to have something to do, because he doesn’t know how to give Jaehyun a much needed comfort. “This is a lot for me to take in…and I know you’re having it worse. He really doesn’t want anything to do with us? Even you?”

“Even me.”

“And who told you that? Taeyong?”

Jaehyun sniffles and completely slides down to the floor. “No. Myungsoo. His boyfriend.”

“Oh, shit.” Yuta starts biting a finger and watches his friend sniffle a few more times. “Fuck that shit Myungsoo. We don’t like him. Don’t listen to him.”

“But Taeyong–”

“Stop that!” Yuta slaps Jaehyun’s head and slides down to the floor as well to give him a piece of advice. “He’s not Taeyong, okay? Boyfriend or not, he doesn’t have the right to speak on behalf of Taeyong. Before him, there was you. Dude, you loved Taeyong first. Would that guy be with Taeyong if he was still a half machine? You were there first, Jaehyun. He wouldn’t be in the picture had those goddamned soldiers told us the truth.”

“…”

“Look. Try again. Taeyong obviously wasn’t expecting to see you. Maybe he thought you were dead, or whatever. Now that he knows you’re just around, he could prepare for it. He survived two heart surgeries and a war. Talking to you won’t kill him. Tsk,” Yuta sighs and ruffles Jaehyun’s hair. “I hate seeing you like this. When you get back to work, corner the fuck out of that Myungsoo and demand where Taeyong is. You really need to talk. Call me if you need a backup.”

“You’d be busy…” Jaehyun nearly whines.

“Eh, Lakisha from Florida ain’t gonna miss me when I’m gone. There’s somebody else to teach her how to turn on the wifi.”

The nurse looks at Yuta and gives a small, sad smile. “Thank you.”

Yuta shrugs and brings the bowl of cereal to the sink, washing it. “Be glad there was a system failure and they had no choice but to let us go home.” As he scrubs the bowl clean, he realizes something _very_ important and dramatically gasps. “Did you say they gave him a new heart at the same day he was terminated?”

“Ahuh?”

“They wouldn’t be able to do that so quickly. I saw a movie before and they had to wait hours after hours to find a suitable heart. Unless someone died that day and miraculously it was a match, like same blood type. I wouldn’t know if that’s accurate, you’re the nurse. You know who died that day, right?”

Jaehyun swallows an invisible lump.

“Lucas.”

Should they start feeling grateful now that they know Lucas’ death had a purpose? Does Taeyong know?

“Tell me you’re lying.”

Myungsoo looks at Taeyong with trepidation. No shit, he’s _that_ scared. Even though Taeyong’s younger, he oozes dominance that makes Myungsoo fold at a single scathing look–like what he’s getting right now.

When he woke up in a private room at the hospital, he demanded Myungsoo to talk right away. But the older declined, saying it’d be better to explain at home. Besides, Taeyong also has some explaining to do. It aggravates Taeyong’s irritation but he held back until he got discharged, and after hearing about the events that followed his attack, he could no longer contain it – silent fury etches itself on his face.

“Tell me you’re fucking lying, hyung. You didn’t just tell him we’re da– damn it. I can’t even say it!” Taeyong explodes and stomps over to the kitchen. If only it was possible, he’d be breathing fire on Kim Myungsoo as they speak. “Aren’t you disgusted?!”

“Hey! What else could I do? I told him to stay away but he wouldn’t listen. And telling the ex-boyfriend that he doesn’t have a chance anymore usually does it.” Myungsoo inwardly cringes at his own desperate effort to save himself. Taeyong looks like he’s two seconds away from burning him alive. “Don’t look at me like that, Taeyong. I don’t have a crush on you; you’re like a brother to me.”

“God, hyung! There are other ways to tell him to go.” Taeyong feels the incoming headache and downs a glass of ice cold water, slamming it down on the table in anger. “Why did you have to be so melodramatic? And he’s not my ex-boyfriend. We were never together. I rejected him because I was an abomination. You read the novel, right?”

Sighing, Myungsoo reclines on the couch and stares up the ceiling. “You know what, if I didn’t know that you hated revisiting the past, I’d think you’re worried about what he thinks of us. Don’t you hear yourself? Why exactly did you panic?”

Taeyong’s grip on the misty glass tightens. “I didn’t… I didn’t know I’d see him again. When I saw him, everything came crashing back to me. From the day Ten died and father gave me his heart, when he got killed, when….” His voice cracks as every memory lingers in his head and even when he closes his eyes, he sees it all, like they’re tattooed behind his eyelids. Dread boils in the pit of his stomach. “I hate to think of them.”

“Then don’t. I know my idea was stupid but if we keep it up, he’s not going to bother you again. I don’t even think he’s going to try again. Pretty sure he’s got a little bit of shame.”

He weighs the available option and feels bile rise up his throat. He really can’t digest the notion of seeing Myungsoo as more than just a friend. “It’s really disgusting so let’s not push it. And you kind of sound like a hypocrite just now. Weren’t you just telling me two weeks ago to embrace my past? And I told you that in order to forget, I have to recall. That’s how therapy works. Remember?”

Myungsoo snorts and gives him a pointed look. “I said that. And do you remember how you acted like you’re not gonna do that? Why, did you change your mind?”

When Taeyong doesn’t say anything, the older shakes his head and chucks his shoes off to the side. “So fickle minded. You wanna administer exposure therapy on your own? I don’t think talking to him to have a closure would help you. At least not so soon. What if you get an attack again? Taeyong, frequent panic attacks is dangerous.”

“I know,” Taeyong grouches on the way to the living room, and stands right in front of Myungsoo who looks up at him. “I know it will be difficult and I’ve been stubborn about it, but this is what I literally do during therapies. My doctor keeps making me talk. If I…if I talk to him again, and we both agree not to be in each other’s life, maybe it’s going to help. One less problem.”

Myungsoo stays in that position, bent forward as he removes his socks, looking like he doesn’t buy one bit of Taeyong’s words. “Well, if you think that’s going to work. Do whatever you want; you never once took my opinions into consideration, so no need to convince me. I still think you’re being impulsive and reckless.”

“Then I will be reckless. Whether this works or not, I’m gonna do it. It’s… worth a try. Maybe he’d listen to me and stop coming back to my life if I tell him myself.”

“Did you like him back?”

Taeyong glares at him. “You read the novel.”

“Yeah, but the main character could only offer the other friendship because he had a weak heart, then he died and came back as a vampire. Told him he can’t love him the way he wants because he had no working heart. And I think you got a sequel in mind.” Myungsoo stands and stares him down to ask a question that leaves an unforgotten sensation in Taeyong. “You have a working heart now. Do you still have an excuse?”

The organ firmly beating in his chest stutters. Is there use denying it? He can’t even bring himself to lie.

Refusing to acknowledge the truth, Taeyong turns on his heel and disappears into his room, leaving Myungsoo with dejected spirits.

_That’s already an indirect rejection to a confession I haven’t done yet, right?_

Determination surges through every nerve in his body. It’s a now or never, and Jaehyun promises himself that this day won’t end without him knowing where Taeyong is. So he waits ‘til his shift ends (thankfully, he doesn’t need to stay behind today) before cornering Myungsoo in the locker room.

“I need to talk to you.”

Myungsoo closes his locker and sardonically chuckles. “Is that the right way to talk to someone older, much less a senior?”

Jaehyun’s jaw clenches. “I need to talk to you, hyung.”

“There, I like that better. Now what do we need to talk about? I have a patient to check on in five minutes.” 

“Where does Taeyong live? He and I need to talk, settle things between us.” Jaehyun holds up a finger when Myungsoo opens his mouth to interrupt. “I know you’re his boyfriend, but Taeyong and I went through a lot together before you appeared. Never mind that I have….had feelings for him. We were friends. Did you save him when he was close to dying? Were you the one that watched the stars with him? Were you the one that found happiness with him in the middle of war? Were you the one that–”

“Stop! Fine! I get it!” Myungsoo pockets his bawled hands. “I get it and I still won’t tell you where he is. Because you’re bad for him, Jaehyun. I’m not kidding when I say you’re gonna kill him if you appear in front of him again. Can’t you just move on silently? He’s doing fine without you. Maybe if you heard his speech at the book signing, you’d know he wrote that novel about the two of you, and he only wrote it because he wanted to finally get it out of his system. He wanted to get rid of you. Please listen to him if you respect him.”

“The thing is, I respect him but you clearly don’t. If you respect your boyfriend, you wouldn’t decide for him.”

“We already talked about this.”

“And I don’t believe he said all that. If you don’t tell me where he is, I’m going to take matters into my own hands.”

Myungsoo smirks condescendingly. “And what are you gonna do?”

“I will punch you.” Jaehyun’s fist trembles.

“I don’t think you can do it,” the older nurse moves forward until there’s less than a foot separating them. “Cowardice reeks off of you.”

The next thing Myungsoo knows is the handle of a locker digs painfully on his back as Jaehyun’s single punch throws him off balance. He groans in pain, clutching his jaw and glaring daggers at the younger nurse. “You…!”

“Are not a coward,” Jaehyun shakes his hand and theatrically blows on it before walking out of the locker room. He wastes no time and sneaks inside the office to check Myungsoo’s records, quickly saving his address, and slips out before anyone sees him.

His therapist’s office looks more like a library than anything. Walls of books surround them, and the atmosphere always makes him feel like it’s his first time. Taeyong never felt at complete ease inside.

“Let me see your journal,” the therapist says, already reaching for the notebook. She’s a gentle woman in her 40s, always giving him a smile when he comes in, not failing to ask him how his days have been in spite of getting the same old answers. “You haven’t been writing.” She flips to the next pages, finding more and more blank papers. “Does that mean the monsters aren’t coming over?”

Taeyong inwardly bristles on his seat across hers. “Don’t call me that, please. You’re making me feel like a child.”

She closes the journal and hands it back to him with an apology.

“I’m not writing anymore ‘cause they’re repetitive. Instead of de-stressing, it made me feel like I was memorizing–and I wanna forget, right? I think we’re past the stage where I should keep a journal and…and I _don’t_ know. For me, it’s not helping. And if something is not helping, I have to let it go.”

Dr. Lee nods sagely, one leg over the other, hands clasped over her abdomen. “You know I’m here to help you realize what’s good for you and not dictate something you do not want. We’ll forget about the journal if doing that gives you a peace of mind. Are you doing better, in general?”

Taeyong looks to his left with a smirk, eyes focused on a particular book on the shelf. It’s thick, hardbound, with the title printed on the spine on an occult-esque font. “I firmly believe there’s still a long way to go. Within two weeks, I had to panic attacks. So I might ask for a new drug or let you up the dozes. This pill thing is up to you. It’s sort of a preparation in case I lose it again soon.” He meets her gaze and sighs. “I’m facing a dilemma, Dr. Lee. You….still remember Jaehyun, right?”

At the mention of his name, the corners of her mouth curl into a smile, small but obviously proud – in a good sense. “Yes. The love you couldn’t have.”

Taeyong promptly ignores the subtle jab. “He’s back, and I know he’s gonna keep seeing me. Half of my brain says to go for it, and the other half says I should run away.”

“I assume one of your attacks had something to do with him. So what do you think is the reason you had it? Is it because he reminded you of the past, or is it merely because you weren’t ready to see him?”

“There’s a problem,” he takes a deep breath and exhales slowly, the blunt nail of his thumb digging on the side of his index, prickling. It draws blood. “I kept telling you I wanted to forget it all because remembering physically, emotionally and mentally hurt me. When he appeared, though, I knew I panicked because he’s _there._ Because…because all these suppressed emotions suddenly burst and I lost control. Have I been fooling myself all along, Dr. Lee? I actually wanted to see him, right?”

Taeyong chuckles and ignores the slight sting on his finger. “You see, doctor, I’ve thought about this all night, until you opened the door to let me in. And it was a hard thing to do, to think about it all. I realized…that the primary reason I didn’t want to acknowledge him is because I feel guilty. I hurt him. He loved me because he said I was beautiful, but I’m not. And I know he doesn’t care. I am guilty because I hurt him by denying him what could’ve made him happy during that time, and that was so selfish of me. But what could I do? I was broken, I was…I was something the world would shun. I don’t deserve him. He’s…he could do better than me.”

Self-deprecating is his utmost talent and Taeyong is winning the competition.

“Do you think he’s back because he wants to pursue you? Aren’t you getting ahead of yourself, Taeyong?”

The possibility of that being true impales a stake through his heart.

Dr. Lee continues, “I only asked you about it, but you don’t know, do you? I don’t know, too. None of us knows his intentions. Your guilt is due to assumptions. I’m not saying your feelings are invalid, but what I’m saying is you can stop feeling that way. You think you don’t deserve him but does he think the same way? Now that he’s back, don’t you think it’s high time for you to communicate properly? You said so yourself that you _were_ broken. What about now? Now that you’re not something the world would shun, now that you’re doing your best to heal, do your previous justifications as to why you pushed him away still apply today?”

He sees the answers on his reflection in her eyes and Taeyong feels nervous.

“Taeyong, you’re here to heal, not to stay wounded. Allow yourself to move on. There are things that cannot simply be forgotten because they have to be accepted in order for us to get better. When your mind is too clouded, listen to your heart because you know what it wants. You know what it beats for. I’m gonna ask you a question and your answer will lead to your next decision.”

Taeyong inhales a sharp breath.

“What does your heart tell you?”

They don’t usually have visitors because one, Taeyong has no family or friends left and two, Myungsoo’s parents are overseas. So when rapid knocks hit the front door, Myungsoo is only confused and a little cautious.

He finds Jeong Jaehyun’s smiling face and another guy’s he doesn’t know. “How did you know where I live? What – it’s 8pm, are you stalking me? Was socking my jaw not enough? Be glad I didn’t report you for physical assault!”

“Be glad I didn’t do much, ‘cause if I had the means, I’d break your cheekbones with a sledgehammer.”

Myungsoo staggers. “What! You’re a nurse! Stop assaulting people!”

“Who’s that?” A familiar voice comes from inside the house and Jaehyun’s eyes widen, before he nudges Yuta.

“Let’s do this.”

Yuta squints and pins Myungsoo against the wall, preventing an escape as Jaehyun saunters inside, all the while ignoring Myungsoo’s cries of trespassing criminals.

Taeyong quickly removes his earphones. “Jaehyun…”

“Hi,” Jaehyun wets his lips, hands moving as if not knowing what to do. “Is this safe? Are you not–”

“That was humiliating. I assure you I’m not gonna humiliate myself twice. Hyung,” Taeyong glances over his shoulder where Myungsoo attempts to bite down Yuta’s forearm. “If you try to barge in my room, I’ll poke holes in all of your socks.” He then finally looks at Yuta with a soft expression, offering a barely visible smile, before his attention goes back to Jaehyun. “You, follow me.”

“Let’s not beat around the bush,” is what Taeyong tells him right away, not even giving Jaehyun the chance to take in the appearance of his room – as though they have time for that. “I didn’t reach out because I was too busy being miserable.” He softly closes the door and sits on the bed, gesturing for Jaehyun to sit on the chair by the desk. He’s not fully ready to be _very_ close to him, physically. “You know everything about me. I have enough reasons to keep hating myself, but I apologize. Letting you all think I was dead was a dick move.”

Jaehyun shifts on his seat uncomfortably. Even though they’re only a few feet apart, there seems to be barrier between them that keeps him from being close to the older. “I can’t tell you that it’s fine but I can say I understand. Taeyong, don’t push me away, please? I know you hate the past and I’m unfortunately a part of it…but can we please try again? Stay as friends?”

Taeyong looks at him doubtfully. “Is that what you really want to happen when you came here? For us to stay friends…only?”

“I’m still in love with you.” Well, there is no point denying it. Jaehyun has no problems dropping the same bomb, even when there’s already someone new.

“No, you’re not.”

“Yes, I am. I am still in love with you. I never fell out of love for you. Even when you were dead, I loved you. I know what I feel, Taeyong. And I’m so happy that you’re alive.” He says, voice a little shaky. “But do I have a choice? You rejected me and found someone else. You said you couldn’t return my affection because you weren’t cut out for it. Because you didn’t have a real heart. Now that you’re obviously fit for romance, you gave it to someone else.” Jaehyun props his elbows on his knees and covers his face with both hands, starting to feel discouraged. “Not gonna lie, you gave me the impression that if you had a human heart, you would love me back. But you didn’t, and that’s okay. Just don’t push me away…”

By the time he’s done talking, Taeyong’s expression morphs into amusement. “I stopped listening when you said I found someone else. You’re not talking about Myungsoo, are you? You believed that jackass?”

“What?”

“The novel. Did you not notice how familiar it is? The characters Yuno and Taeoh. They are us.”

It certainly feels lighter to finally be honest about his own feelings regarding Jaehyun.

“Are you saying that Myungsoo lied and that you actually…that I still have a chance? But Taeyong, I read the ending. They only stayed friends.”

Taeyong breaks their eye contact as he scoots against the wall, hugging his knees to his chest. “I’m planning a sequel. I’m thinking Taeoh would reject Yuno again.” He only says that to test the waters, to see if Jaehyun’s going to insist. If he does, Taeyong might give in. If he gives up, then things are officially over. “Isn’t that the right thing to do? Taeoh isn’t normal. He can’t make Yuno happy.”

Jaehyun’s face hardens. “You don’t know that.”

“I know that. I am the author.”

“You can control Yuno because he’s fictional. I am real. You can’t tell me what to do.”

He doesn’t know what causes it. Maybe it’s Jaehyun’s sheer determination to win him back, how he hates to see Jaehyun hurting because of him, or maybe it’s how fragile he actually is despite coming off detached, but Taeyong’s eyes sting and it’s already too late to stop when a tear rolls down his cheek.

“You don’t fucking know when to give up, do you? Jaehyun, I’m broken. This,” he jabs a finger to his temple, “this is so hard to deal with, alright? I’m telling you, you don’t wanna see me go crazy. No one wants to be with depressed people. I’m trying to save you, can’t you see?”

“Might as well stop playing hero because you’re not saving anyone. I don’t need to be saved. You’d barely hurt me.” Jaehyun musters up all the courage and transfers next to Taeyong, taking his hands and holding them firmly as he stares at him. “Your mind is telling me to push you away. But you don’t have to listen to it. What’s your heart telling you, Taeyong? Be honest with me.”

“…”

“Please, tell me–”

“I fucking love you, that’s what it tells me! Are you happy now?” Taeyong withdraws his hands just as his eyes release fresh tears.

Jaehyun blinks and his heart stutters. Oh how _good_ it feels to finally heart those words.

“God, that’s the first time I said it out loud. I love you, okay? I’m in love with you. When I hated everything, I craved for you. I _ached_ for you. I hated you and loved you at the same fucking time.” Taeyong wipes his face dry with his sleeves and lets out a short, sarcastic laugh. “I knew I loved you even before you confessed to me. I long for you as we speak. But I’m so tired of myself – I am depressed, anxious, I panic – do you serious want that? Don’t be stupid.”

“ _YOU_ stop deciding for me,” the younger tries to keep his frustration at bay. “I understand what you’re going through and I’m willing to go through it with you. I want to be with you when you break down, when you get inspired, when you’re nervous or calm, and when you get shaken up – I want to be with you! You don’t have a reason to tell me not to be with you. Do you wanna keep hurting us? I’ll let you know I will keep building the bridges you will burn.”

Taeyong grabs a pillow and momentarily screams against it before shooting him a menacing glare. “You’re infuriating and incorrigible. You steal the energy out of me.”

Is Taeyong still sad? Or is he mad now? Jaehyun can’t keep up with the sudden mood swing. He snatches the pillow from Taeyong when it starts to look like the latter’s going to bludgeon him with it. “So what now?”

Taeyong sniffles petulantly and puts his legs down. He cries for a while and Jaehyun resists the strong urge to pull him in a hug.

Later, when Taeyong’s sobs are reduced to sniffles, he stares at Jaehyun as his whirlwind of thoughts battle.

“Well, pushing you away is certainly out of the equation. You know what you’re signing up for, right?”

Jaehyun nods.

“Good.”

“Thank you–”

“This won’t be easy.” Taeyong sits properly and faces him, eyes red. “How have you been?”

Seeing that Taeyong’s not closing the doors on him, hope blooms within Jaehyun. “Fine. I’m a nurse now. Still an intern but I hope they hire me ASAP, ‘cause I need more money. I live with Yuta. Hey… You’re really amazing. You write so well.”

The older smiles albeit hesitantly. “Some things actually worked out for us.” They fall into silence for a while, and Taeyong speaks when he can’t take the quiet anymore. “Why are you staring at me?”

“I just can’t believe you’re here…”

“Well I can’t believe _you’re_ here. How did you know where I am?”

“I actually didn’t, but I looked at Myungsoo’s file for his address because I was planning to rip _your_ address out of him. If you’re not dating, why do you live together?”

Taeyong’s face crumples at the thought of seeing Myungsoo in a romantic light. “The hospital couldn’t keep me because I didn’t have money and I had nowhere to go so he said I could stay with him. That’s all. You‘re the one that punched him, huh? He deserves it.” He sighs and lies down the bed with his legs resting across Jaehyun’s lap. It’s unbelievable how easy it actually is to be so close once the floodgates of his emotions are broken. “Hey, I’m emotionally drained. Can we do this some other time? I’m gonna feel better because I’ll be prepared for it.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Jaehyun purses his lips and pats Taeyong’s legs before getting up. “I’ll see you again, okay? Let’s exchange numbers.”

Taeyong points at the desk and Jaehyun quickly saves his number before calling his own phone. “There. I’ll really see you!”

With a small smile from Taeyong that is enough to assure him, Jaehyun walks out and finds the two other men still wrestling each other. He peels Yuta away from the other nurse and sticks out his tongue at Myungsoo. “Liar, liar, pants on fire. Don’t try to get in between us again, you understand? I will really beat you up.”

“You…!”

“Yes, me! Me! I’m the only one in his present, _hyung._ ” Jaehyun smirks and drags away a flailing Yuta by the collar.

Myungsoo storms inside Taeyong’s room in fury, hands on his hips. “Do you know what they did to me? Putting me on a headlock wasn’t enough. That Jaehyun kid had the nerve to–”

“Why do you hate him?”

The sudden question takes him aback that he actually thinks about it before realizing how accusatory it sounds. “I _don’t_ hate him!”

Taeyong remains staring at the ceiling, limbs spread eagle. “Your answer somehow leaves a lot to be desired, hyung.” He looks at Myungsoo. “I might see him again.”

“Are you su–”

“Sure? I’m not. But Dr. Lee said I should stop avoiding my issues, that forgetting isn’t always the right solution. That healing means acknowledging your fears and working your way around them.”

“…I told you the same thing. Non-verbatim, but you get it. I said you should just embrace it.” Myungsoo huffs in disbelief and grabs the doorknob. “Does this have something to do with Jaehyun?”

Taeyong simply nods and sits up to grab his laptop, turning it on. Soon, he’s got earphones plugged in and a document is pulled up on the screen. “I told him I love him.”

Hot bitterness spreads all over Myungsoo. His grip on the doorknob tightens. “You’re out of your mind.”

“I haven’t been in the right state of mind for a long time, hyung. Starting from when I let a stranger adopt me.” Taeyong gives him a curt glance and resumes typing. “Yet things work out just fine.”

Myungsoo stares at his side profile, words itching to rip out of his throat. However, nothing comes out but a sigh. He slips out of the room, closing it behind him softly.

**JH: Good morning, Taeyong. I’m sorry I didn’t text you last night.**

**TY: Morning. It’s fine.**

**JH: My next off will be in six days. The staff had a schedule reshuffling and it sucks big time. Will you be free?**

**TY: Got nothing else to do, have nowhere else to be.**

**JH: Alright. Um, do you want to meet up then? I just want to catch up.**

**TY: Place is my call.**

**JH: No prob! Is it alright to bring Yuta with us? Or is that too much for you?**

**TY: …**

**TY: As long as he doesn’t talk about what I don’t wanna talk about.**

**JH: Of course! Ah, I’m at the hospital now so I’ll talk to you later?**

**Ty: Mm. Bye.**

Waiting for six days is agonizing but Jaehyun forces himself to live through it and the only thing that keeps him from plopping down the floor in the middle of the children’s ward and throwing a tantrum, is the fact that he’s going to see Taeyong again and that this time, they’re about to be together in a world where they don’t have to worry about the safety of each other, if they’re going to wake up the next day or not. Jaehyun bears with stubborn patients and overbearing workmates (especially _that_ person!) with a dimpled smile, and a refreshingly positive outlook.

They meet up at a café in a secluded street. Taeyong says it’s convenient, because there’s not a lot of people that know the place and they can chat comfortably. It’s a cat café, and Taeyong idly plays with the fur balls whenever he doesn’t wanna talk, or when he has nothing to contribute to the conversation. He may be a writer full of ideas, but he’s not a good conversationalist. He only says more than usual when it’s about his craft – he’s not being self-centered, it’s just that it’s easier to give an insight when he actually knows what he’s talking about.

Speaking with Yuta makes him a little anxious so he pops a pill and downs it with his now cold coffee. The two other men notice but don’t point it out. Jaehyun already explained things to Yuta the previous night and actually follows through, surprisingly.

They don’t stay in the café for more than an hour and decide to go for an aimless walk. None of them has a specific place to go, but the second they arrive at the city park, the trio find themselves sitting by the fountain.

It feels good to be together again, and Jaehyun wants to say it but it might trigger unwanted memories so he keeps it to himself. Let the moment make them feel it, he muses. When he steals a glance at Taeyong, hopefully to check if he’s doing fine, he finds that the older’s already looking at him with that inscrutable gaze. Jaehyun holds it, tries to read through it, and _feels_ it when Taeyong smiles at him – there’s something different about it, it’s distinct, intense and it knocks his breath out of his lungs, and when Jaehyun smiles back at him as Yuta’s ramblings drones on in the background, he sees life dance in those huge black circles of Taeyong’s eyes.

Time really goes by fast when you’re having a good time. Jaehyun doesn’t notice how long they’ve been out doing whatever they could think of, anything that doesn’t push Taeyong far out of his comfort zone, that when the sunset comes it saddens him just a tiny bit.

Even if Taeyong doesn’t voice it out, Jaehyun knows he feels the same way so they all just walk back because riding a cab would cut down their time even shorter.

The walk back is particularly quiet. Yuta and Taeyong walk ahead side by side as Jaehyun purposely lags behind. His eyes don’t stray from Taeyong’s back even when he trips on air for the third time. He knows he’s being unreasonably paranoid, but he fears that if he looks away even just for a second, Taeyong would disappear out of his sight.

And he doesn’t want that to happen again. Once is enough and twice will kill him.

When they stop in front of Taeyong’s (because he refuses to call it _that other person_ ’s place) house, Yuta understands with a single look from Jaehyun and doesn’t follow when Jaehyun walks Taeyong to the doorstep.

Jaehyun feels like a teenager courting the person he likes but he deems it a good feeling. “It looks like you’re gonna be alone. Are you sure you don’t want us to stay for a while? Won’t you even invite us in out of courtesy?”

Taeyong shakes his head at the younger’s attempt to joke around and fishes out his keys. “Say you want me to invite _you_ in and leave Yuta alone. Hey, Japanese,” Yuta whips his head at them, staring owlishly. “This one’s a hundred percent ready to drop you for a steamy night.”

Heat spreads all over Jaehyun’s face down to his neck and chest and his mouth gapes like a fish out of water as he dispels the filthy insinuation. “I’m not that kind of person!”

“Sure, you are.” Taeyong unlocks the door and steps in, turning around just as he switches the lights on. “Jaehyun, I liked it. I liked this day. Almost 400 days after _that_ and this is the first time I actually liked it.” His eyes dart back to Yuta as he whispers against Jaehyun’s ear, voice low and teasing. “Maybe you should come alone next time.”

Yuta blinks curiously at them as Jaehyun goes rigid and Taeyong finally disappears inside the house. “Oi, did you freeze up there? Hey! If you’re gonna die, at least lie down! That’s weird!”

Inside, Taeyong has his back pressed against the door before sliding down the carpeted floor to stare into space for what feels like forever. His heart is beating so loud in his ears and it even feels like the stupid organ is planning to claw its way out of his lithe body.

“That’s stupid. Why did I say that? I just wanted to get a rise out of him, yeah? He might think I’ve become boring. But that’s so not cool.” Taeyong groans and knocks on his own head. “Fucking stupid. One minute you’re crying and the next you’re saying shameless, vulgar things. How dare you. Ah, stupid.”

Taeyong muffles a scream against his fist to forget about the embarrassment he did, this time thinking about how he, once again, felt like someone was watching him earlier at the park. Well, Jaehyun was watching him every second but he knew it, whenever he was starting to lose focus of his surroundings, there was a nagging prick on the back of his head, akin to a sniper’s laser pointing to a target.

“I’m paranoid. I suspect everyone. Being anxious makes me think something bad is going to happen. Yeah, that’s it.”

He continues on his monologue and fails to hear the _unfamiliar_ rumble of a car’s engine outside, yelping in both pain and shock when the door opens causing him to face-plant on the floor.

“Kim fucking Myungsoo! My nose! Ow, my nose!”

…Except that the person looming over him isn’t Kim Myungsoo.

“Yes I _know_ he was taken away! Taeyong _never_ goes out without telling me and when he does go out, it’s only to his therapy sessions.” Myungsoo plants both hands on the desk and glares at the police. “He doesn’t have a session today.”

The second Myungsoo entered the house and didn’t find Taeyong on the sofa with his laptop, he _knew_ there was something wrong. It’s in those details done routinely one would know when something strange happens. And when Taeyong didn’t appear after Myungsoo searched everywhere in the house, it propelled him to report a missing person, grudgingly contacting Jaehyun because he was the one Taeyong spent the day with.

Now they are in the police station and close to slamming the cop for not listening to them.

“Sir, maybe he just went somewhere. He’s an adult. You can’t possibly expect him to text you whatever he does.”

Myungsoo stares disbelievingly at the cop, gaze shifting among the latter, Jaehyun and his friend. “Didn’t you hear what I just said? He only goes to his therapy! Didn’t it occur to you that he may not be okay to go out alone?! What’s wrong with you? I report a missing person and your first reaction is I might be overreacting!?”

The cop tries to placate him but to no avail.

Jaehyun finally steps in and tugs Myungsoo away from the officer. “Sir, please listen to him. We were out earlier and when we dropped him off it didn’t look like he was planning to go out again. And like he said, Taeyong won’t be anywhere if it has nothing to do with therapy.” He tries to sound calm but in actuality, he’s about to have a break down. Jaehyun is beyond worried for Taeyong and if only he could do it faster than this, without asking for help, he’d already be out there flipping everything upside down to search for Taeyong.

“…Then is there another indication that he didn’t run away?”

“There’s blood on the floor,” Myungsoo ignores Jaehyun’s look of horror. “If you check it, it’s still there, I didn’t wipe it away. It could be evidence, but it doesn’t look like it’s from a stab wound. Anyway it’s only two droplets. There are no obvious signs of struggle as well. Everything is in place. But how could I be so sure?!”

The cop raises an eyebrow at them. “You realize how this sounds to us, right? This Lee Taeyong, does he have self-harm tendencies?”

“…He sometimes bites his fingers when anxious, or panicking. Also scratches his nails on them ‘til it draws blood.” Myungsoo starts to sense what the cop is making him admit to but he’s certain Taeyong didn’t just leave on his own. “But please listen to me! He’s not the type to rebelliously run away!”

“We will consider kidnapping, then. Do you know anyone that he has problems with? Maybe he offended an enemy?”

“No. He’s literally just on his laptop everyday posting on his blog.”

“What type of blog, sir?”

“Just fictional stories – it doesn’t matter. Why does it matter?”

The officer shoots him a bored look. “Because everything could be evidence. It’s our job to question what needs to be questioned.”

Jaehyun waits for a retort from Myungsoo and pulls him aside to where Yuta anxiously watches, and speaks in a hush. “Do you remember the rumors? The news about the black market being interested in sales of half androids?”

Myungsoo gulps and rubs a hand down his face. “God forbid this is about that. The news said they are possibly abducting their victims on the streets. Taeyong was literally at home.”

“What if he was the main target?” Yuta says as he cannot stay quiet anymore. “What if they want _him_ specifically? The new said those bodies that were found were missing their hearts. If those were related to the production of half androids, it could mean that those bodies were failed experiments and they were disposed.”

Jaehyun’s heart lurches on his throat. “Are you saying they want Taeyong because it once worked on him?”

“Exactly.”

“But who else could know about it?” Myungsoo asks. “The media only flocked to the hospital back then but they never got anything out of him – not a name, not a photo, nothing. Some people knew there actually was an illegal android but nothing was confirmed. He was a highly confidential case. You breathe a word about it, it’s a problem.”

Jaehyun tries to narrow the list of possible perpetrators. “So aside from us and high ranking officials, the only ones that know are people from that hospital.”

“Yes.”

“And the person playing with the bodies of these poor people is most likely someone who can perform a surgery…”

The gears in Myungsoo’s head runs full throttle. “If we tell them how urgent and confidential this is, we’d have to expose Taeyong.”

“There’s no other way.” Jaehyun steps aside and approaches the officer. “We might have a lead. Myungsoo knows a hospital we can ask for information.”

“Hospital?”

“Yes. We believe this is related to the rumored creation of half androids and Taeyong is a specific target.” He glances at the two others and then at the cop. “They just abducted the first successful illegal android, sir.”

The hit to the back of his neck rendered him unconscious, and when he woke up, sight blocked by a blindfold, Taeyong’s heart sped up at an alarming rate. He knew instantly that he was kidnapped, and he had to keep himself stable to get out alive. Although his mind conjured numerous negative conclusions, Taeyong did his best to perform the basic exercises to prevent his panic from turning into a full blown attack.

He’s got a pill in his pocket, but his hands are tied to the chair.

His breathing had just slowed down considerably when people accompany him in the room and remove the blindfold. Taeyong doesn’t know who they are but they know him.

Fear, anxiety, and anger flare within him the second the doctor finishes telling him why he’s there. “There’s nothing special about my body, you psycho!”

“But you became an android, didn’t you? Please don’t deny it. I was your main doctor when you were admitted and that was literally the first thing the officials told us.”

Taeyong spits on the ground. “Fuck you. I don’t want to know why you’re doing this but I’m not a special case! I don’t even know how my father did it! How could I _teach_ you how to operate on me?!”

The doctor smiles and audaciously pats his head. “He was your father. Why would you let him experiment on you if he didn’t explain the minor details of the process or side effects, at least?”

Taeyong vehemently shakes his head and feels his heart constrict again, hands trembling. Why does he have to recall this again? “He didn’t tell me shit. He knocked me out and when I woke up, I had a motherboard in my chest! Maybe it was the motherboard itself that had something bizarre in it, I don’t know! He created the robot from which he took that metal heart. He knew what you wanna know. You won’t get anything out of me so let me go!”

A moan of pain is ripped out of him when his hair gets roughly yanked back.

“Listen, Taeyong. Many rich people, rich and powerful people are waiting for a _thing_ like you. They are impatient and I want their money. So if you don’t want to end up with a hole punched through your torso and left in a ditch, you will cooperate with me.” The doctor shoves his head down. “I’ll give you a day to think of all the things you can tell me about the correct procedure of half android surgery, or I’d have to roleplay as your father and replace that heart with metal while you’re asleep – and I don’t give a damn if you die on me.”

Tears fall from his eyes when the door slams shut and he’s left all alone in a cold, desolated room. Taeyong’s eyes shut tight as he tries to dispel the ugly thoughts of his past and focus on something _happy_ and _beautiful_ so he won’t lose himself, tries to think about _Jaehyun,_ about those gorgeous eyes that only looked at him and that smile that were always directed at him. Taeyong calls his name, whispers it like a prayer that would save him and envisions the things he wants to do with Jaehyun when he gets out of there.

 _If_ he gets out there.

It just hits him how much time he wasted wallowing in misery – if only he didn’t focus too much on the pain and looked for Jaehyun earlier, maybe they’d have spent a little more time before the world turned its back on Taeyong again.

The local investigation unit immediately heads to the hospital where Taeyong was admitted two years ago. When they don’t grant access of his file to the police right away, it confirms the long-time talk of the country about the half machine. After the authorities explain the gravity of the situation, how Lee Taeyong was allegedly abducted by the same people that created the buzz regarding production of semi-androids, the staff finally lets them check through his records – all the names of the doctors and nurses that were assigned to him throughout his confinement.

Lee Taeyong had two doctors and three nurses, one which is Kim Myungsoo. His secondary doctor and two nurses are currently on duty, summoned by the police as four of them together with the main doctor who doesn’t work there anymore, and sans Myungsoo are now persons of interest.

They can’t afford to dawdle so right after being taken for questioning, the three hospital staffs give their consent to be interrogated and their activities assessed through CCTV, phone history and vehicle GPS.

For a couple of hours, the team get on with the scrupulous checking of where they went, what they did and who they talked to for the past 24 hours – the main agenda is to know whether they got in contact with Lee Taeyong recently or not. Checking the CCTV is the fastest to get done as they only stayed in the hospital prior to the investigation, and none of them went outside for anything other than a haste trip to the nearest store. The doctor and nurses were seen passing by corridors, talking to other medical practitioners and occasionally using their phones. Their call logs and messages were recorded and retrieved. Upon seeing that nothing of the doctor and nurses’ activities are suspicious, the investigation takes a break but they are not yet to be released until the police get ahold of Lee Taeyong’s main doctor.

Throughout the investigation, Jaehyun and Myungsoo remain. Yuta goes back home.

“Is there any other way we can check the other doctor’s whereabouts?” Jaehyun stands next to the police’s desk, foot tapping impatiently. “When did he resign from the hospital?”

“Six months ago, after a malpractice caused one of his patients to go into cardiac arrest. No charges were made because the only family that patient had is his toddler. According to the admin, what happened was forced resignation. We don’t know if he managed to keep his license because literally after he left, it’s like he banished off the face of the earth – we can’t reach him.” The secondary doctor tells them.

Myungsoo frowns. “When was the first heartless corpse found?”

The cop quickly checks a folder of compiled newspaper articles and looks for the first case involved in the rumored half android experiments. “Around four to five months,” he stops and looks at everyone. “Just a little over a month after the main doctor resigned.”

One of the nurses gives them the main doctor’s cellphone number. “I’m not sure if that’s still working but you could probably check and find out what phone he’s using, hopefully the GPS tracker is on. I don’t know how you’re gonna do that – you guys are the experts.”

Another grueling hour passes by as Jaehyun watches the whole team do everything they can to locate the main doctor. When he’s about to go crazy from worry, sat on a bench with his head cradled in both hands, one of the cops call says something that makes both Jaehyun and Myungsoo freeze in trepidation.

“Well we didn’t see any suspicious messages, but this guy made a few calls to the same number. And we actually got to figure out where he went to for the past 24 hours. Sir,” the cop gazes at Myungsoo. “He dropped by at your address.”

When the police head out to go to one of the places the doctor frequents, a desolated area in the city, Jaehyun and Myungsoo insist to go. None of them can stay put knowing that Taeyong is most likely in the hands of this suspect. They sit in the backseat of one of the cars, silent but the air of fear is so apparent between them, filling the close space in the vehicle.

Myungsoo quits nervously bouncing his leg as he looks at Jaehyun. “You really found the time to be on your phone? Quit texting.”

Jaehyun shoots him a baleful glare. “I’m telling Yuta what’s up. He’s Taeyong’s friend, too.”

“You know what? This is partly your fault.”

The younger nurse’s eyes almost bulge out of their sockets from how wide they go in reaction to Myungsoo’s blatant accusation. “Are you serious?”

“Yes!” Myungsoo exclaims, ignoring the look he gets from the driving cop. “If you didn’t show up back in his life, he wouldn’t go out and that psychotic doctor wouldn’t be able to know where he is.”

It’s so absurd that Jaehyun is rendered speechless for a moment before he angrily slips his phone back in his pocket. “I know you’re not serious, hyung. I _know._ Because if there’s a more plausible explanation as to how they found him so easily, it’d be because you and that doctor worked at the same hospital and he knew who took Taeyong home with _him,_ which is _you._ ” Jaehyun grits his teeth and faces the window to his side. “He’s been going out of your house even before I showed up, you stupid shit. Who knew when the doctor started watching him?” He looks at Myungsoo again. “You’re dumb as hell.”

Myungsoo scoffs in disbelief, his leg anxiously bouncing again. “First, the panic attack – and then this. You’re bad luck. I swear to god, Jaehyun. When we get him back, I won’t let him see you again. And if something bad happens to him–”

“When we get him back, and he shuts me out of his world again, I’ll wait until he feels safe and comfortable to talk – because I care for him and I respect him. And….and _if_ something bad happens to him, _if_ they manage to remove his heart, I promise you wouldn’t see me again.”

“That’s–”

“Because I’d be dead.” Jaehyun says. “Because I’d give him _my_ heart so he wouldn’t have to go through his past all over again. Because I _love_ him.”

When he’s sure Myungsoo has _nothing_ left to say, Jaehyun looks out the window again. He thinks about the war, how they used to be scared to be seen outside, then how free they are now – how he could freely walk outside with Taeyong without being petrified, without worrying about the time they have left to be with each other.

But maybe he should’ve been worried, should’ve stayed with Taeyong for a while. He doesn’t want to be so pessimistic, but Jaehyun doesn’t know what he’ll do when this all comes down to another nightmare.

Sleep doesn’t come for him. Aside from it’s difficult to put yourself in such a relaxed state while tightly bound to a chair, Taeyong also wants to be alert for whatever may happen next. He’s still scared, still antsy, and his mind is nothing but a glob of dark thoughts. It’s suffocating and he badly wants to cry, but what good would it do? He’s hungry, exhausted, hopeless – it’s beginning to feel like there’s no way out. If they don’t operate on him, if they keep him locked up, he’s still going to die either by lack of food or self-inflicted harm. If he’s crazy enough, he could break a bone or two so he could slip out of the binds and then use them to make a noose where he’d shoot his head through and hang himself. And by the time they change their mind and continue the experiment, he’s already dead.

The time ticks and he’s adamant that he’s not going to let them butcher his body. His own father already did it and Taeyong is not so magnanimous to let them perform a reprise of the late scientist’s insanity.

He should’ve died when he had a heart attack, when the last good thing he saw was _Ten._ He should’ve….

But Jaehyun…

Jaehyun is another good thing that returned to his life and won’t it be unfair to leave just like that? Taeyong hasn’t even made it up to him for making him think he was gone. How can he be so selfish even in times like this?

What about Myungsoo? Taeyong has been nothing but a stubborn brat to the person that cared for him unconditionally. He should at least get out of here to thank him, to be properly grateful. Myungsoo took care of him until he healed, paid for his therapy, and supported his writing ambitions. The older man is like the brother he never had, and even though he’s overprotective and unreasonable at times, he genuinely wants what’s best for Taeyong.

“Thinking of something?” The doctor says as soon as he enters the room, a wicked smile painted on his face. “It should be the answers I want to hear, Taeyong.”

“It hasn’t been a day since you gave me an ultimatum. Stick to your words.”

“But we don’t have to actually wait for one whole day for you to be generous and give me what I want.” The doctor grins and holds Taeyong’s face in one hand while the other combs through the latter’s hair, seemingly kind and gentle, but it’s all just mockery. “Look at this face, so good looking. I might just put you on an auction and sell you to the highest bidder. You already look like an android with this kind of face. Maybe that’s why you once became one?”

Taeyong smirks, looking up at the doctor. “You do know that even if you replace all of my limbs with pieces of junk metal, you can’t make me think like one, right? I can still defy you, run away from whoever you sell me to. Did you know? I once killed a machine with my own hands. I just had to shove it down and blow it up with its own gun. Androids have inhumane strength, doc. When I wake up after the surgery and that’s if you succeed, I will kill you.” His grin widens just as the doctor’s smile wavers. “I will _crush_ your bones and squash your organs; I will incinerate you until you’re reduced to ashes.”

An ugly frown settles on the doctor’s face before he mercilessly slaps Taeyong so hard, that the chair falls off balance and drags Taeyong’s down to the floor.

“That’s good. You already think like an android – like a murderer.”

Taeyong is saved from further hits as the sound of police siren reaches them. The doctor, suddenly stirred with panic, pulls out his phone to call his assistant. “What the hell is going on outside? Is that the police?!”

The siren grows louder at each second that ticks by, and Taeyong’s body shakes with quiet laughter. “Oh, doc. Looks like somebody’s gonna get in trouble.”

Not even a minute later, uniformed men burst through the door with guns pointed to the doctor who fearfully puts his hand up, as two cops tend to Taeyong. It is pure chaos from thereon as they wrestle the doctor to the floor and cuff him, while the others search the whole place for his acquaintances, as well as evidences that will incarcerate him.

Jaehyun watches from the outside as they haul several people into different police cars, waiting for a certain someone to come out. Only when an ambulance arrives does he spot Taeyong on a stretcher, face bruised, and staring back at him before their short eye contact is severed by the ambulance doors closing.

Taeyong wakes up midday and finds Jaehyun slumped against the side of the bed, asleep. He stares at the head full of hair, gently places a hand on it and softly drums his fingers. “Jaehyun…”

The younger stirs and reaches for the hand on his head before interlacing their fingers. Jaehyun opens his eyes, a little red from lack of sleep, and sends him a smile before giving his hand a squeeze. “How are you feeling?”

“I don’t know,” Taeyong says. In all honesty, he’s already felt _too much_ when he was kidnapped that there’s nothing that could currently match it. “I’m just wondering how many times I’m gonna be in a hospital because of the same damn reasons.”

“I’m so–”

“Shh,” his index presses against Jaehyun’s lips. “Not your fault. Don’t beat yourself up over something you had no control over.”

Jaehyun brings his hand to his lips and kisses the back of it, eyes not leaving Taeyong’s. “I was ready to give you my heart if they did replace yours…”

Warmth blooms in Taeyong’s chest. It’d be a shame if he turned into a machine again, because being in love with Jaehyun is probably the best thing in the world. “I’m gonna lost count of how many surgeries I’d undergo, and I’m gonna lose you, if that happens. But I’m okay now. Stop worrying.”

“How can I not worry, Taeyong?” The nurse’s eyes are now watery. “The world is a better place for us now. There’s so much we can do. I wanna do a lot of things with you. If you disappeared again, it’d just be like when they took you away and I was powerless, I couldn’t even beg them hard enough to let me bid you goodbye.”

“There isn’t such a thing called goodbye now, Jaehyun.” Taeyong unclasps his hand from the other’s and cups Jaehyun’s cheek, wiping a stray tear with his thumb. “It’s still hard, but I’m going to fight my demons now. I want to be happy with you. Isn’t it sick how I had to be in danger to appreciate the people around me?”

Jaehyun sniffles and wipes his tears away with Taeyong’s blanket, causing the latter to chuckle.

“You’re my first love, Jaehyun…”

“I thought that was Ten?”

“Silly, he was my platonic love.” Taeyong tugs Jaehyun close by the collar until their lips are a hair’s breadth away. “My heart beats for _you_ and only _you._ ” He plants a kiss on a pair of luscious lips and reaches for Jaehyun’s hand, placing it on his chest. “Do you feel it? How fast it is?”

Jaehyun rests his head on Taeyong’s chest and listens to the older’s heartbeat, remembering the last time he did it and heard nothing. “We should thank Lucas.”

“…Lucas?”

“He gave you his heart, Taeyong.”

Jaehyun isn’t the only one that sheds a tear.

News spread like wildfire. Taeyong has no choice but to be on the spotlight, but Jaehyun volunteers to speak for him with anyone who wants to get a scoop so he won’t have to feel anxious because of the prying media.

Due to the recent incident and his identity being publicly disclosed, they offer him compensation by granting him 24/7 protection from the police. They won’t follow him everywhere, but they’ll be close by to ensure his safety. He’s peeved, but Jaehyun convinces him it’s for his own good.

The doctor confesses to the attempted experiments, catapulting the authorities to infiltrate the black market and retrieve smuggled android parts.

 _(Zero) Beats Per Minute_ ’s sales skyrocket, increasing traffic in Taeyong’s blog.

These, he supposes, are tolerable as long as Jaehyun’s with him. 

A month later…

“I feel lighter,” Taeyong tells Dr. Lee. His hands are lax on his lap, as if anxiety has never taken over him. “The bad dreams lessened and it’s easier to fall asleep.”

Dr. Lee nods and jots down, noting the drastic improvement on his outlook and disposition. “What do you think is the reason why you’re feeling better?”

“Maybe because I could finally love without feeling guilty. I am no longer burdened by the thought that people have to love for me, because I was afraid. My heart…” Taeyong leans forward, and smiles as the sunlight seeping through the curtain hits his face. “It can give as much as it receives.”

The woman stops writing for a moment to take his words in, before continuing with a contented expression.

“That’s good, Taeyong. I’m proud of you.”

Taeyong is escorted on the way home by the same cops that dropped him off to his therapy session. They stand guard a distance from the house, far enough not to cause discomfort and near enough to watch for anything suspicious.

Soon, the sun retreats for the moon’s arrival and he’s in the middle of checking if he has all of his stuff packed when his bedroom door opens and Myungsoo steps in, eyeing his bags.

“You’re really going now, huh?”

“Hey, why are you already here? Your shift is until 9, right?”

“Do you really think I’d let you go without saying goodbye?” Myungsoo sits on his bed, watching Taeyong move around. “I’ll drive you there.”

“What about the cops?”

“Ah, they can tail us. I just really wanna be the one to drive you to Jaehyun’s.”

Certain that he’s not leaving any important stuff behind, Taeyong sits down as well. “While you were gone, I walked around the house just looking at everything. It’s not really hard for me to settle in. I lived in a mansion before and then a small hut, and I had no problems. It’s cool.” He stops talking and gazes around the room until his eyes land on Myungsoo. “As for you, you gotta get used to coming home to an empty place.”

“It’s not like I wasn’t living alone before you came here.” Myungsoo sighs and pats Taeyong’s head. “You’re gonna be okay, right?”

“Not always. You know that. But you don’t have to worry about me. I can take care of myself, plus I have Jaehyun. Thank you, hyung. Really.”

Myungsoo stares at him with an unreadable expression. He’s usually a predictable person, but right now, he’s a sealed book.

“I’ve always wanted you to lean on me like that.”

Taeyong’s brows furrow. “But I don’t–” He gets cut off with Myungsoo standing up and picking two of his bags.

“Let’s go, Taeyong. You don’t wanna make Jaehyun wait.”

“Uh, yeah. Okay.”

He looks at the older’s back as Myungsoo loads the bags in the backseat, and Taeyong whispers an apology to a confession that was never said.

Jaehyun is the one that opens the door when they arrive. He helps to carry Taeyong’s stuff inside and politely invites Myungsoo for dinner, who straight up turns him down.

“Don’t take it the wrong way, kid. It’s just that I have to go back to the hospital – they didn’t let me off for some reason, those inconsiderate asses. But that’s fine I guess, there’s so much to do and it would help me forget how lonely life is gonna be from now on,” he sounds overdramatic but Jaehyun detects a hint of truth in it with the way Myungsoo’s gaze lingers on Taeyong who’s now talking to Yuta. “If you leave him, I’m going to punch you twice as hard.”

“Got it,” Jaehyun nods and stands awkwardly, not knowing what to say next. Myungsoo scoffs and starts walking back to his car with a lazy wave at him.

“See you at work, Jaehyun.”

Only after dinner does Taeyong get to start fixing his stuff in Jaehyun’s room. They only have two bedrooms and Jaehyun won’t let him sleep on the couch. The younger said he’s going to let Taeyong take his bed until he sells it and gets a big futon mattress they can share.

Taeyong’s gasps in surprise when arms wrap around him from behind and lips trail ticklish kisses down the slope of his neck.

“Are you for real? Hey, stop kissing me. You’re not my boyfriend.”

“Oh, am I not?” Jaehyun giggles and kisses the back of his ear. “Wanna change that?”

“You’re fucking shameless,” Taeyong slips out of his embrace and laughs before covering his mouth, wide, cautious eyes looking at the close door. “Yuta might come in.”

Jaehyun tackles him down the bed and continues his assault on Taeyong’s neck, further fueled by the others soft sighs of pleasure and poor attempts at pushing him away. “I already briefed him this morning.”

“Holy shit,” Taeyong laughs again just as Jaehyun rolls his shirt up to a bunch below his chin, exposing his chest and the scar on it. “Don’t look at that or you’ll lose the mood.”

Uncaring of that, Jaehyun’s fingers ghost over the remnant of the obstacles Taeyong went and is still going through. He feels the older’s eyes on him as he follows the line with his mouth, kissing from top to bottom. He grips Taeyong’s hip when he hears him gasp sharply.

“I can’t make this disappear, Taeyong. You’ll have to carry this forever, but I promise I’ll help you drop the weight as we go on…” Jaehyun tattoos one last kiss on his chest and looks at him. “I love you.”

Taeyong’s eyes glimmer. “Me too…”

“I don’t want to make you sad or anything, but…did they give you the motherboard?”

“…Yes, but I told them to dispose it.”

“Why?”

“I didn’t want to look at it. At first I felt like shit, because that was my only physical remembrance of Ten. But thinking about it now, I know he wouldn’t want me to suffer from the despairing memories that motherboard brought.” Taeyong thoughtlessly plays with Jaehyun’s hair, loving how soft it is. “I want to move on, Jaehyun.”

“Mm,” Jaehyun hums and slots his face on Taeyong’s neck, his lips lie over the older’s pulse point. “You will. I’ll help you. I’ll be with you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!


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